So, I've been on this very rich and rewarding journey for, well, all my life. However, in the last several years...things have gotten more and more intense. And it seems that the challenges set before me have also grown at the same intensity. Sometimes I forget that that's how it works.
Just recently, I have been tormented (at least in my own mind) with the challenges of keeping my mind focused while everything around me just falls apart. I was out of it for almost two weeks. At least one full week of wondering if it would just be better off if I walk in front of a car. Preferably one clipping by at a good pace. I even got depressed about that. Thinking that it would be just my fucking luck to do something that stupid, survive it and end up in a wheelchair. Maybe that's why I didn't do it.
Mostly, I think I didn't do it because it was painful to think about. It pushed me so far though, so far into the depths of wondering what the fuck am I doing here, suffering like this. It got so unfuckingbelievably painful that I actually got to the point to realize the absurdness of my thoughts. That these thoughts were choices...illusions. I was choosing to see my challenges as inconveniences instead of the true gifts they are. I lost sight of my own power. I lost sight into the purpose of my growth and actually wasn't giving myself enough credit for how far I've come in my own personal growth. I somehow lost sight that I have the power to change every single aspect of the bullshit I was allowing myself to wallow in. And with that...I changed my mind. And with that...my situation began to change...IMMEDIATELY. Buoyancy, lightness, lung expansion...all of it was produced from a simple choice to use the power that was given to me by our creator, the Universe. The endless energy of love that is unconditional and always there for me. I'm so thankful I finally came to that realization. Things are looking up.
4 comments:
god to hear things are getting better. Things can only get better at some point
That's always true. Thanks for reading Olaf. Love you.
I was worried there half way through that post. Made me remember when I was so upset with someone (could that be Zach? I wonder) that I was always thinking about walking in front of a bus, and then I just about did..because I was so distracted with my pissed offed ness. I was glad to read the end though. All those spiritual self-help books are doing there job. I have been wallowing a lot the last few years, and something happened a few months back when Mike and I met someone. I have a lot of thoughts in my head I never imagined I would think. The universe is a big place and energy is everything, along with attitude. Peace out sister.
Understanding energy has really helped me out during hard times. And knowing that I am surrounded by such awesome people! Truly, I'm very thankful for reconnecting with friends from the past. It's great to see how far we've all come in our journeys. It's impressive!
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