Feeling the love.

I must say that I am blown away! Just BLOWN! And in the best way possible. Here I am, at the most vulnerable point of my life...I'm certain that I haven't been more vulnerable than this. And beyond a doubt, I have been blessed more than ever. How is that even possible? I think I may have an inkling. Here's what's happening. I am allowing. I am allowing the people who love me, help me. And the help is coming in so abundantly. Just beyond what I could've ever imagined. I am asking for help. And most importantly, I'm not pretending that I'm fine. I'm being honest. I'm not pretending that I'm the strongest person and that I got all this covered. Because, I don't! Lord, I don't. I've told my friends, I'm having a hard time. I'm falling apart. And the help has come rushing in. Even if it's meant that there is a listening ear. But even more than that...people have offered all sorts of resources to help myself and my sweet ladies. As I relax into the abundance that the Universe has offered me...the more beautiful it becomes. Out of nowhere, comes opportunities. Wow, I am so grateful for these moments. It's a little different for me to move past this idea that because my life is falling apart in some areas, that it should be hard, and I should be struggling. But for the most part, I'm not struggling. Any area of my life that I'm struggling, it's my beliefs that are holding me back. The more that I accept where I am, the emotions that come with a broken family, the more that I move through it. The easier my days become. Of course, there's still the ebb and flow and some days are more difficult than I can even communicate...but you all know. You all know that pain. We all know it. We've all felt loss. We've all felt rejected. We've all seen our lives fall apart in front of us. And what if, it's falling apart to our benefit? What if it's what needs to happen in order for us to be a better version of ourselves? I am sending thanks and gratitude for every being that has assisted me in moving through this pain. I'm so grateful that I'm able to see the gifts that are in front of me. I'm so grateful for the community that has come to my aid. Bless you all. With all of my heart!!!

The story

Hahaha! So, just coming across this blog after not seeing it for quite awhile. It seems fitting. Everything always has a reason. I really enjoyed reading my writings and realized that I don't write like this anymore. My past several journals are all notes from classes...conciousness classes. Previous to that was kind of documentation of pregnancy and having new babies...making note of the incredibleness of it and the various things that my sweet girls were up to and at what ages. I love that I'll have that to look back at, but often lately, I've been thinking of ridding myself of all journals. The past is the past. It doesn't exist anymore. Do I really need to know about the first haircut or tooth that came through? WEll, I guess, yes. I do. Today has been interesting...I've also been looking through pictures...in order to find a specific picture and it was glorious and haunting all at the same time. The last several years of my life went by like a big lightning bolt. Just, SHABANG! Since I've last written, DONE many, many things. All of these things are labels. It's what I'm BEING that is of most interest to me at this point. I have no doubts that everything that has unfolded has been part of the plan I created to be more myself than ever before. So, when looking through the pictures of a very happy family, my girls...much younger...me, much younger...It almost seems like another lifetime. I was basically surviving through a great deal of it. Just going through the motions. If you have children, you know that those first few years are BRUTAL. I was pregnant two years in a row! B R U T A L ! I taught, working at least 50 hours a week. Trying to be everything for everybody. Until I stopped and started to look at myself, again. I started waking up at 4 to meditate and study my innate abilities and then study business. I put the girls to bed every night and mostly fell asleep with them. I did this for at least a year...I think over a year. I completely neglected my relationship with my partner. So focused on healing my demons so that I could be a good mom and not repeat the shit that happened to me. Staring down my shadows. Finding them, loving them and letting them go. One after another. So many demons. So many limiting beliefs. It was like...where do I start and does this shit ever end? It's challenging being with someone who isn't on the same journey. Someone is who completely fine numbing the pain away. We all numb in various ways. However, I'm more awake than ever and need to be with someone who is at least interested in it. I shouldn't sell myself short here. I've been on this journey too long to settle for that. I need to find someone who is AS DEEP into it as me. So, selling myself short should be the title of this chapter! "Selling Yourself Short" a story of not asking for enough. or perhaps "Afraid of Your Shadow?" a story of the endless cycle of running away and stuffing your emotions...deep, so deep. Ah, another topic that has been highlighted over the past few years, "Trauma: How to release the demons that find their way into your soul" There have been many traumas in my life and the last few years have been no exception. I'd like to think that I've been working through them. Yet, the shadow is sneaky. It hides so well. It's when you least expect it that you realize that it's been running you. Dave has been inpatient at the VA for depression and PTSD for the last 2 months. He's dealing with his demons and I pray that he's made friends with them. Our relationship is almost non-existent, short of communications of the girls. We will make a heart connection periodically, and then it will return to business only. I'm accepting that he is not able to be part of our family the way that I envisioned. I'm so grateful that things came to a head for him. Because he's been a MASTER at stuffing down emotions and pretending he's "just fine." One would think that with all of this chaos, I would be a hot mess. Some days, yes. Mostly, I am feeling more gratitude and love than ever before. I am so excited to get writing again on the magic that's come of all of the traumas of the last several years. It is abundant. At this point, the Days are packed with Abundance and Joy and POSSIBILITY! Blessings to you!