True Love

I have recently experienced true love. It was so very beautiful. I have never felt so able to be myself. I have never felt such patience and such ability to accept the moment for the moment. I have never felt such ability to love someone for who they were at that very moment. Not for whom I hoped they'd be, but with their faults. Never have I experienced something so gorgeous. Because, it signified that I was doing that same very thing for myself. It's been a long time coming that I've tried to love myself as much as I believe that I should.
It just happened to be the man that I messed up with last summer. Well, I've come to understand that it wasn't me who messed up. It is just a young man who in so many ways is in the beginning stages of loving himself. I've been there, I get it. But his refusal to be loved has got to be one of the most painful things I've ever felt. I almost wish I could by pass this lesson...because it is really painful. I just pray that the love we shared will be something he can reflect on at some point...that I was someone he will KNOW beyond a doubt loves him. Because I do. But I have been rejected and I know that I need to let go of this...move forward and be grateful for this realization.
I am excited for the next time I'm able to experience this depth.

WTF?

I just recently took this blog link off of my facebook account. I had a friend who felt worried for me and thought I might be going off the deep end. Of course, there is always that option. Quite literally, I don't know what's up or down anymore. I have lost all grounding. I have attempted anything that I can try to pull together any sense of structure and it has all failed. I don't want people to worry about me. However, I feel that I need to get this shit out of my system. My parents taught me when I was a kid, that no one wants to hear your problems. They taught me that it was very unbecoming to express your needs or worries. Just put on a happy face.
I find myself fighting right now to keep on that happy face for everyone. But I'm to the point now, that I don't really care how people take what I'm going through. It just is and I don't know how to pretend that it isn't. However, the only people who are even peeking at this blog are people that I care about...so I'm going to be real.
Perhaps what I'm experiencing is just growing pains. If I knew why I was suffering, it would give meaning to it. But I am at a loss. So, I suffer blindly. Wondering, why? why this pain? Why this loneliness? Why this disconnect with the world around me?
I look around and wonder how is it possible that people choose to live the way they do and also look in the metaphorical mirror and ask myself the same. I was at a Oakland Gyros on the South side earlier today. Beautiful restaurant. But, there was this girl who sat down in a booth and her father joined her. I could see that she was talking and smiling. I envisioned she was talking about her day at school. Her father was seriously focused on his meal. Didn't look up or comment on what his daughter was saying. I felt sad. Because I just kept thinking that he was missing out on something beautiful. But, he was so wrapped up in something else. His mind was somewhere else. And it's not like I'm making him the bad guy, because as an adult I understand all the shit that has to get thought about and taken care of. It was just this overwhelming sadness that we are all missing the important shit and getting lost in the stuff that matters, but not to the degree that we make ourselves believe.
Then I looked out the window. A van with a woman...waiting for her food from the drive thru (yes Oakland Gyros has a drive thru). She was holding a box with a doll in it and talking to, I assume, her daughter in the back. She looked frustrated...shaking her head while holding this box and I have no idea what she could be saying, but again, I just felt sad. Sad that there was any type of controversy over a doll.
It makes me wonder if I am delusional about how things really work. Is this normal? I mean, I have no idea what it's like to have kids and be around them all the time. Is there a point where you need to zone out and be in "adult" mode? I guess I won't know until I have my own. But, I do feel confident that these little interactions that people have with their children, create their children. Does anyone else see the importance of these little reactions or vignettes the same way that I do? That they are indeed extremely important.
I see so many limitations of myself and the people around me. So many times I wonder...how much of this has to do with the way in which we were taught or exposed to the world initially...the manner in which we were taught to see the world.
I see my patience for these limitations dwindling. Mostly my own. I am in such a crazy place now. I know for sure that there is a new consciousness that I'm embarking on and that it's huge. It has been coming for years and I've felt it tugging at my soul and it has driven me to hours of studying and endless hours of observation and undying perserverence to understand what it is. It is a relentless nagging. I am compelled to understand this. But what is it? And if I were to subscribe to Buddhist teachings, which I do on many levels, then I should just fucking relax, because that's the only time that you get it anyway. Perhaps that's what I'm meant to learn. To let go and be fine with this craziness. It just seems so pressing.
So, now full circle. Earlier I mentioned that we get lost in the stuff that doesn't matter and not paying attention to the stuff that does. Perhaps the goal is to release that pressing feeling and just allow it to be what it is. Detachment. I'm going to try out this theory.
To end this, I would like to thank all of my friends who have been dealing with my bizarre behavior lately. I appreciate you all in my life. You help me to be a better person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

misc.

I'm at a very bizarre place in my life right now. On one hand, I feel like there are so many blessings, so many understandings that I am so grateful for. And on the other hand, there are so many confusions and uncomfortable emotions surfacing. I'm trying to navigate my way through this dense forest of beauty and fear. I know that the process of letting go and just feeling my way through it will lead me to the correct destination...but, what is correct? If that's not a clear vision, how can you be guided? Is it essential to know where you want to be in order to get to that spot? Or does the Universe guide you there by default...knowing where you should be? Do I just allow that? I am truly confused. I'm confused about how much control we have on our destinies. As of the last several months, everything that I've asked the Universe for, I've indeed received. And many times I've thought I should be more careful or specific of what I want. But maybe that's the process too. So, with that, I do believe that we choose where we end up. I guess I don't know what to ask for at this point. I'm fucking up big time on the relationships....the intimate ones. I just want to give up on all that noise. Why do I suck so bad at that? Why am I constantly choosing to give my love to people who cannot reciprocate? Every time! I'm continually choosing people who are insecure, don't know their own worth, don't believe in themselves. But I see it. I see their beauty and I want them to see it too. And I want to encourage it. I want to inspire that beauty to be set free. But, why do I feel that it's my responsibility? I don't know why, but I just do. And the only person who gets burned is me. Because, like them, I also need inspiration. But I'm not going to get it. And who in the hell do I think I am? It does seem pretty egotistical to think that I can inspire people to believe in themselves, right? But that's exactly what I do when I teach. My goal is to show my students their worth. So, is it okay to do with children and not adults? There have been people who have shown me love when I didn't feel like I deserved it and I didn't believe in myself and I am eternally grateful to them...for believing that I could be more, for perservering even though I pushed them away, to keep coming back. They could see something that I couldn't. I would never be where I'm at without that kind of love. In many ways, I want to pay it forward. Because I'm in the position in my life to do it. Maybe I just am not good at telling when someone just is not going to allow that type of love. Maybe I need to know when to give up. That's my problem. I never give up.

Power.

So, I've been on this very rich and rewarding journey for, well, all my life. However, in the last several years...things have gotten more and more intense. And it seems that the challenges set before me have also grown at the same intensity. Sometimes I forget that that's how it works.
Just recently, I have been tormented (at least in my own mind) with the challenges of keeping my mind focused while everything around me just falls apart. I was out of it for almost two weeks. At least one full week of wondering if it would just be better off if I walk in front of a car. Preferably one clipping by at a good pace. I even got depressed about that. Thinking that it would be just my fucking luck to do something that stupid, survive it and end up in a wheelchair. Maybe that's why I didn't do it.
Mostly, I think I didn't do it because it was painful to think about. It pushed me so far though, so far into the depths of wondering what the fuck am I doing here, suffering like this. It got so unfuckingbelievably painful that I actually got to the point to realize the absurdness of my thoughts. That these thoughts were choices...illusions. I was choosing to see my challenges as inconveniences instead of the true gifts they are. I lost sight of my own power. I lost sight into the purpose of my growth and actually wasn't giving myself enough credit for how far I've come in my own personal growth. I somehow lost sight that I have the power to change every single aspect of the bullshit I was allowing myself to wallow in. And with that...I changed my mind. And with that...my situation began to change...IMMEDIATELY. Buoyancy, lightness, lung expansion...all of it was produced from a simple choice to use the power that was given to me by our creator, the Universe. The endless energy of love that is unconditional and always there for me. I'm so thankful I finally came to that realization. Things are looking up.

Case of the Mondays.

Well, it seems as though I have a case of the Mondays. It didn't start out that way. I left my house this morning thanking God, out loud, for the job that I have.
Actually I did that like three times. I absolutely love my job. Even when it sucks. I was so ready to get back to work. I love seeing the kids I work with. My most recent long-term assignment, teaching gym every MWF, was just starting to feel comfortable. I felt that I was finally reaching even the far-reaching students.
When I arrived at school, I went to get the keys to my office. Someone in the office asked me, "What are you doing here?" I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of started stuttering something. She said there was another gym teacher who was hired before Christmas break, didn't the sub office tell me? Uh, no. So, with keys in hand and absolute shock I just stared at her and then the principal. The principal just made light of it, like she held no responsibility or knowledge of what was going on. Unbelievable. She told me that if I wanted to stay for the day...I could acquaint the new teacher with the details of things. Oh, how accommodating of her. I felt like I was going to vomit up my breakfast all over them. Who is so unprofessional?
Attempting to be unflappable (which is certainly NOT in my nature), I walked to my office, looked around, tried to figure out what needed to be taken care of, how to organize the information I had just received. I absently filled out my sub sheet for the day, and walked back to the office. I thought perhaps that was simply an illusion. Perhaps that didn't really happen. I was stopped by an employee who asked me what I was doing there...the "real" gym teacher had just walked in. Oh, and there she is.
Well, I was indeed unflappable. I was kind and showed her everything. We both showed excitement about all the great gym supplies the school had through a grant. The first class came in and I just couldn't pull it together. Was I supposed to start this out? I tried. I couldn't think about anything else but the fact that this was not going to be my reality any longer.
I introduced them to their new teacher. And then felt like a goddamned idiot. WTF? Okay, just move forward. That's what I kept telling myself. The students were confused. I was asked what was going on...was I fired? was this my assistant? No, I said, this is your new teacher for the rest of the year. They still looked confused. Well, one student asked, where are you going to be working in the school. I had to tell them, this is my last day. I was holding back sobs. The wave of illness passing over me again.
After a few classes like that, I just went to the principal and told her that I was going to leave and she was going to pay me for the day. There's no reason that I should be there.
She told me she'd contact the sub office. So after several degrading moments, it was lunch and I left. and drove. and cried. Not that a certified teacher took my spot, but by the unbelievable manner in which I was treated.
I need to let this go.

Gettin' it out of your system.

So, I'd like to apologize to my (huge) audience for all the cussing in that last blog. I was just "gettin' it out of my system." Actually, I ended up coming out of the situation better than I could have imagined. So, even though I don't retract my rant...I do realize that perhaps I over-reacted. And y'all were witness to it. Well, I guess we're all tight now. Thank you for the support.

With all this New Year's energy floating around, it makes me feel like I should start thinking of how I can cultivate, create, manifest goodness into my life. I'm guessing there are many out there pondering the same thing. Funny thing is that, I feel like I'm on the right path. Always room for improvement. But, that just goes without saying...that's just how I roll. I don't have to really sit down and talk myself into finding ways to improve my life. It just happens. I don't mean the improvement, per se, but the attempt to improve. Trial-error. Like a scientific experiment. Does that make me a narcissist? I am open for honest comments on that, too.

I guess if I were to project the things that I would like to happen in the next year, it would be to get my career on track. I've been grappling with this one for as long as I've been an adult. I'm still living like a poor college student and perplexed to why. Why? Friends in the same boat as me think that perhaps it's self-sabotage. I don't know. I truly believe that I can do whatever it is I want to do, I am doing what I want. I'm simply not making enough money doing it. How to step it up, make money while doing exactly what I'm doing? Risk taking? Jesus, I don't know. More confidence? Better judgement? Searching? Attracting opportunity?

I'll keep this one on the burner, regardless of the time of the year. Anyone feel like sharing their resolutions? Go ahead, get it out of your system...