I just recently took this blog link off of my facebook account. I had a friend who felt worried for me and thought I might be going off the deep end. Of course, there is always that option. Quite literally, I don't know what's up or down anymore. I have lost all grounding. I have attempted anything that I can try to pull together any sense of structure and it has all failed. I don't want people to worry about me. However, I feel that I need to get this shit out of my system. My parents taught me when I was a kid, that no one wants to hear your problems. They taught me that it was very unbecoming to express your needs or worries. Just put on a happy face.
I find myself fighting right now to keep on that happy face for everyone. But I'm to the point now, that I don't really care how people take what I'm going through. It just is and I don't know how to pretend that it isn't. However, the only people who are even peeking at this blog are people that I care about...so I'm going to be real.
Perhaps what I'm experiencing is just growing pains. If I knew why I was suffering, it would give meaning to it. But I am at a loss. So, I suffer blindly. Wondering, why? why this pain? Why this loneliness? Why this disconnect with the world around me?
I look around and wonder how is it possible that people choose to live the way they do and also look in the metaphorical mirror and ask myself the same. I was at a Oakland Gyros on the South side earlier today. Beautiful restaurant. But, there was this girl who sat down in a booth and her father joined her. I could see that she was talking and smiling. I envisioned she was talking about her day at school. Her father was seriously focused on his meal. Didn't look up or comment on what his daughter was saying. I felt sad. Because I just kept thinking that he was missing out on something beautiful. But, he was so wrapped up in something else. His mind was somewhere else. And it's not like I'm making him the bad guy, because as an adult I understand all the shit that has to get thought about and taken care of. It was just this overwhelming sadness that we are all missing the important shit and getting lost in the stuff that matters, but not to the degree that we make ourselves believe.
Then I looked out the window. A van with a woman...waiting for her food from the drive thru (yes Oakland Gyros has a drive thru). She was holding a box with a doll in it and talking to, I assume, her daughter in the back. She looked frustrated...shaking her head while holding this box and I have no idea what she could be saying, but again, I just felt sad. Sad that there was any type of controversy over a doll.
It makes me wonder if I am delusional about how things really work. Is this normal? I mean, I have no idea what it's like to have kids and be around them all the time. Is there a point where you need to zone out and be in "adult" mode? I guess I won't know until I have my own. But, I do feel confident that these little interactions that people have with their children, create their children. Does anyone else see the importance of these little reactions or vignettes the same way that I do? That they are indeed extremely important.
I see so many limitations of myself and the people around me. So many times I wonder...how much of this has to do with the way in which we were taught or exposed to the world initially...the manner in which we were taught to see the world.
I see my patience for these limitations dwindling. Mostly my own. I am in such a crazy place now. I know for sure that there is a new consciousness that I'm embarking on and that it's huge. It has been coming for years and I've felt it tugging at my soul and it has driven me to hours of studying and endless hours of observation and undying perserverence to understand what it is. It is a relentless nagging. I am compelled to understand this. But what is it? And if I were to subscribe to Buddhist teachings, which I do on many levels, then I should just fucking relax, because that's the only time that you get it anyway. Perhaps that's what I'm meant to learn. To let go and be fine with this craziness. It just seems so pressing.
So, now full circle. Earlier I mentioned that we get lost in the stuff that doesn't matter and not paying attention to the stuff that does. Perhaps the goal is to release that pressing feeling and just allow it to be what it is. Detachment. I'm going to try out this theory.
To end this, I would like to thank all of my friends who have been dealing with my bizarre behavior lately. I appreciate you all in my life. You help me to be a better person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
