the good, the bad

So, I've done it once again. I made an indiscretion and will have to pay a way higher price than I think is valid.
The good, dear god, the good. I am so good. Maybe too good. Goody two shoes. Goody-goody. I LOVE being good. But good great god, I'm still fucking human.
I can be a bitch, I can be a brat, I can be mean, I can be a real pain in the ass.
And so the fuck what? Everyone has these aspects.
But yet, I am good. and bad. But mostly good.
If you know me, which many of you do...you know that I will bring you way more pleasure than pain. That's just the truth. And I am all about truth. Speak your truth. Sometimes it comes out bitchy. But truth will always come out.
So, fuck good, fuck bad.
I am me. Take me for what I am. I am full of love to give and receive. And I won't let one indiscretion make me change my mind about how amazing I am.
No one should.
Love to all of you and all your goodness and badness. I love you regardless.

Falling in Love.

About a week ago, I went to Turner Hall Ballroom to see the Made in Milwaukee show. November 22, 2008. There were a bunch of performances. Of course, one of my favorites, the Rusty P's. God, I love their stuff. Great beat, great lyrics, great energy. I never bore of them and they always get me moving.
The main performance was Brother Ali. I had never heard of him, really. Except for this event. I was absolutely blown away. Completely. You know, the kind of wave of energy, where you can't stop gawking, then smiling, then giggling, then nodding in agreement. What power. The beats just taking control of my every movement. He just took over. It was like falling in love...instantly. I've felt this before at a show. It was Def Harmonic. Many, many moons ago. I hadn't heard of them either. But once Leah started singing, my mouth just dropped. Then my body started moving, then I started smiling. I thought, this is love, for sure. You must know what I'm talking about. For me, it doesn't happen often.
Maybe you'll feel the same thing. If you want to hear some of his music and an interview with him by Tarik Moody...http://blog.radiomilwaukee.org.

Harmony.

The yin/yang. The balances. The equator. There are many ways to make analogies to harmony. Personally, having my sun in Libra, I understand the art of balance. Having your sun placed in the scales, however, doesn't necessarily mean that you are balanced. It means that you "strive" for balance. I do indeed see both sides of any story. I see the good with the bad. I see every person's point of view in an argument and am willing to accept my own fault when it is valid.
I've come to realize that everyone's point of view is valid. Because it is their reality, just as much as my reality is valid. Once I started to believe this, my life became so much more peaceful. So much more, harmonized.
I have been striving for this for a long time. I don't know if striving is the correct term, because it's actually the process of letting go that has brought these little visions of how to live my life with fluidity. With more fluidity. The more I see it, the more I let go, because it feels so good.
I've been letting go of judgements...of others and myself. Well, first myself. I've been forgiving myself for imperfections. I've been more compassionate about my humanness. I've been able to see beauty that is so intangible. Beauty that has nothing to do with my height, weight, hair color, or any other visual context. In allowing this, I am also able to see this in other people and I am truly amazed by this glorious experience.
It is so easy to let go of trivial shit.
And again, I feel grateful for this experience, this life. Despite its imperfections, or perhaps because of its imperfections.

Harmony

Thankfulness.

I realize it's not Thanksgiving just yet...however, I feel thankful. Every Fall, I get this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I'm not certain exactly what that's about. One of my theories is that my birthday is the first day of Fall. It seems that everywhere I look, I feel amazed. Like I'm a child and seeing it, experiencing it for the first time. I get so playful, so giddy and unexplainably full of joy.
For the most part, I think this is how I'd like to live my life, but this time of the year it is so intense. My mind is like a sponge and I want to learn, learn, learn. Could it be that Fall just happens to be the beginning of the school year? There is definitely excitement in that.
At this point, when I look at my life, I see such abundance. Abundance of friends, abundance of love, abundance of energy, abundance of luxuries.
When I'm at home, I think of how cool it is that I have such a beautiful apartment, such a nice neighborhood. When I cook, I think how cool it is that I have food to eat. I'm also thankful to have food to put in the kittie's bowl. In my room, I'm thankful for my comfortable bed, the warmth from the heat that I've recently had to turn on. I feel happy to play the music that I enjoy. I've got a guitar to play. I've got books to read. I've got the knowledge of yoga and can experience something so profound at any moment. I can pick from a number of movies or I can walk to the library and check one out. I have a phone in which I can call a friend and connect. I have a laptop, which I'm using right now...another way to connect to the world. If I want, I can go out on a bike ride and bring my camera to document the beauty that I see around me. Amazing! I can take my car to any side of town that I need to go to. When I walk down the street, I can see people from my neighborhood and we can share our daily experiences, whether good or bad, to connect. I feel grateful that I have the opportunity to work with children every time that I go to work. The other day, at the end of the day teaching a 1st grade class, a little girl who needed a little extra attention during the day, handed me a picture she drew for me. It had a character in the middle. Mme Dekutowski on one side and on the other side it read, I love you. Sometimes I can't even believe this kind of beauty. Seriously, it just blows my mind.
I am so blessed to tuck my nephews in at night and giggle with them and they tell me stories or ask me to tell them a story about when their mama and me were kids. They share their ice cream with me...or when they want me to read them a story in a southern drawl...it is something that brings about the feelings of gratitude beyond words.
How cool is it to go out around town and experience the local talent and see how dedicated people are to live their dreams and bring about positivity to their community? That's what I'm talking about.
I was talking to a friend the other day about perceptions. I've come to realize that if you believe in beauty...if you have faith that it exists...you see it everywhere. I have been working on purposely choosing how I see the world and have opened my mind to it...to the reality that we choose our reality and in fact bring about our reality.
I know that if anyone reads this, they may think I'm a little crazy...but really I had to put this down in writing.
I don't want to not acknowledge that there are plenty of horrendous things happening in this world that we live in. But I also believe that understanding the power of our mindset is the manner in which we can change horror into beauty. Does anyone agree with me?
I would love some feedback on others' perceptions.
I would indeed be thankful for that.

Fall flavor in the Kettle Moraine.

This is what it looks like while standing at the highest level at the Parnell Exploratory Tower. My first experience here was back in college, when a running buddy of mine declared this one of the most sacred fall experiences. Back then we called it Parnell Lookout Tower, but whatever...semantics.
It is, indeed, breathtaking. Even though I was here two years ago, I never bore of it. And apparently, neither does anyone else. The place was packed. It is considered a State Park, which means you have to pay for your experience and there was a line of cars full of people willing to do so. Being pressed for time, I wasn't sure if I should wait or not. But, I had just driven a full hour to get here and decided there was no way that I was leaving without getting atop that tower.
The tower isn't the only cool aspect of the park. Two years ago, I worked third shift and decided, off the cuff after work, to take a little road trip. The place was empty and I was able to also take a hike on the trails in the forest. It was one of the most peaceful experiences I've ever had.
Unfortunately, this last time, the park was swarming with people, bees and ladybugs. It's cool to know that so many people are taking advantage of our state beauty, though.
Coincidentally, it was also about two years that I bought my first Wisconsin Atlas and Gazeteer. I had had my eye on it for so long. Every time I went into some gas station, it would be among the other maps and it called to me. I'd peak at it, adore it, covet having one near me during every driving occasion, but concluded that $19 was just a crazy amount to charge for some "map." After I finally made the plunge andd purchaed it, I wished I would have succumb earlier. It is a wealth of information on all the natural wonders that exist in our fair state. It's an amazing resource.
My goal was to just pick out various destinations that I had never been to before and just...go. The concept is a wonderful one. However, the last few years, it's gotten pretty pricey to just drive around for the hell of it. I have recently decided that it is the closest opportunity that I have for a vacation, so I will justify it in that context.
For anyone who is willing to splurge a bit on gas and entry fee into the park...which was $5/hr or $10/day, I highly recommend the trip. As much as I love my pictures, they truly don't do this adventure any justice. Bon Voyage!

Debates.

Okay, so i am pretty hot about the debates last night. I really can't even articulate why, not entirely. I had a professor tell me once that if you can't articulate it, you don't really know it. So essentially that means that I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I can come to terms with that. But I do know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling that Sarah Palin is absolutely delusional. She can't make connections that would make me believe that she really understands what it would take to make differences. At one point, when both her and Biden were given the opportunity to come forward with mistakes they may have learned from in their roles. Biden showed humility and gave an example of the learning curve of any job. And Palin, couldn't think of anything she would have done differently or learned from her experiences. Even though I don't know how, at this moment, to articulate everything that's fucked with that...there certainly is something wrong with that type of mentality. Otherwise, she hasn't had enough experience to have one of those moments where you can actually see that your way of thinking may not be the best. That's just one of the things that bothered me about that debate.
Maybe I should just stick with being opinionated about what I know. I certainly don't understand politics. I just know that I can tell when people know what the fuck they're talking about and Sarah Palin doesn't. I think that she thinks she does. I think she truly believes in what she's doing.

My first blog.

I am trying this blogging due to a few nudges into this direction. I love writing and creating and sharing knowledge, so it seems to be a good place to be. I haven't a clue who will find this of any interest...
But in all the writing that I've done, it seems to be most rewarding to my growth...to actually put the words down. I actually have a difficult time with manual writing. It almost takes too long to get the words down as quick as my thoughts happen.
Something that I'd like to share is one of my most recent adventures in the Milwaukee area...there was a tomato celebration thing on North avenue. It was the second annual and I really wanted to get pictures of the tomato romp...where people actually throw over-ripe tomatoes at each other. It didn't sound like something I really wanted to experience myself...but to capture it in pictures...
Unfortunately, I realized on the car chase to get there in time, that I didn't have batteries in my camera. The trip to Walgreens took too long and by the time that I got on the scene...what I actually photographed was the after effects.
I also bought some great vegetables from the farmer's market nearby, stopped for a beer and met a lovely lady whom I is now added to my facebook, and generally felt more connected to my community. Good stuff.