So, I've been on this very rich and rewarding journey for, well, all my life. However, in the last several years...things have gotten more and more intense. And it seems that the challenges set before me have also grown at the same intensity. Sometimes I forget that that's how it works.
Just recently, I have been tormented (at least in my own mind) with the challenges of keeping my mind focused while everything around me just falls apart. I was out of it for almost two weeks. At least one full week of wondering if it would just be better off if I walk in front of a car. Preferably one clipping by at a good pace. I even got depressed about that. Thinking that it would be just my fucking luck to do something that stupid, survive it and end up in a wheelchair. Maybe that's why I didn't do it.
Mostly, I think I didn't do it because it was painful to think about. It pushed me so far though, so far into the depths of wondering what the fuck am I doing here, suffering like this. It got so unfuckingbelievably painful that I actually got to the point to realize the absurdness of my thoughts. That these thoughts were choices...illusions. I was choosing to see my challenges as inconveniences instead of the true gifts they are. I lost sight of my own power. I lost sight into the purpose of my growth and actually wasn't giving myself enough credit for how far I've come in my own personal growth. I somehow lost sight that I have the power to change every single aspect of the bullshit I was allowing myself to wallow in. And with that...I changed my mind. And with that...my situation began to change...IMMEDIATELY. Buoyancy, lightness, lung expansion...all of it was produced from a simple choice to use the power that was given to me by our creator, the Universe. The endless energy of love that is unconditional and always there for me. I'm so thankful I finally came to that realization. Things are looking up.
21 January 2009
05 January 2009
Case of the Mondays.
Well, it seems as though I have a case of the Mondays. It didn't start out that way. I left my house this morning thanking God, out loud, for the job that I have.
Actually I did that like three times. I absolutely love my job. Even when it sucks. I was so ready to get back to work. I love seeing the kids I work with. My most recent long-term assignment, teaching gym every MWF, was just starting to feel comfortable. I felt that I was finally reaching even the far-reaching students.
When I arrived at school, I went to get the keys to my office. Someone in the office asked me, "What are you doing here?" I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of started stuttering something. She said there was another gym teacher who was hired before Christmas break, didn't the sub office tell me? Uh, no. So, with keys in hand and absolute shock I just stared at her and then the principal. The principal just made light of it, like she held no responsibility or knowledge of what was going on. Unbelievable. She told me that if I wanted to stay for the day...I could acquaint the new teacher with the details of things. Oh, how accommodating of her. I felt like I was going to vomit up my breakfast all over them. Who is so unprofessional?
Attempting to be unflappable (which is certainly NOT in my nature), I walked to my office, looked around, tried to figure out what needed to be taken care of, how to organize the information I had just received. I absently filled out my sub sheet for the day, and walked back to the office. I thought perhaps that was simply an illusion. Perhaps that didn't really happen. I was stopped by an employee who asked me what I was doing there...the "real" gym teacher had just walked in. Oh, and there she is.
Well, I was indeed unflappable. I was kind and showed her everything. We both showed excitement about all the great gym supplies the school had through a grant. The first class came in and I just couldn't pull it together. Was I supposed to start this out? I tried. I couldn't think about anything else but the fact that this was not going to be my reality any longer.
I introduced them to their new teacher. And then felt like a goddamned idiot. WTF? Okay, just move forward. That's what I kept telling myself. The students were confused. I was asked what was going on...was I fired? was this my assistant? No, I said, this is your new teacher for the rest of the year. They still looked confused. Well, one student asked, where are you going to be working in the school. I had to tell them, this is my last day. I was holding back sobs. The wave of illness passing over me again.
After a few classes like that, I just went to the principal and told her that I was going to leave and she was going to pay me for the day. There's no reason that I should be there.
She told me she'd contact the sub office. So after several degrading moments, it was lunch and I left. and drove. and cried. Not that a certified teacher took my spot, but by the unbelievable manner in which I was treated.
I need to let this go.
Actually I did that like three times. I absolutely love my job. Even when it sucks. I was so ready to get back to work. I love seeing the kids I work with. My most recent long-term assignment, teaching gym every MWF, was just starting to feel comfortable. I felt that I was finally reaching even the far-reaching students.
When I arrived at school, I went to get the keys to my office. Someone in the office asked me, "What are you doing here?" I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of started stuttering something. She said there was another gym teacher who was hired before Christmas break, didn't the sub office tell me? Uh, no. So, with keys in hand and absolute shock I just stared at her and then the principal. The principal just made light of it, like she held no responsibility or knowledge of what was going on. Unbelievable. She told me that if I wanted to stay for the day...I could acquaint the new teacher with the details of things. Oh, how accommodating of her. I felt like I was going to vomit up my breakfast all over them. Who is so unprofessional?
Attempting to be unflappable (which is certainly NOT in my nature), I walked to my office, looked around, tried to figure out what needed to be taken care of, how to organize the information I had just received. I absently filled out my sub sheet for the day, and walked back to the office. I thought perhaps that was simply an illusion. Perhaps that didn't really happen. I was stopped by an employee who asked me what I was doing there...the "real" gym teacher had just walked in. Oh, and there she is.
Well, I was indeed unflappable. I was kind and showed her everything. We both showed excitement about all the great gym supplies the school had through a grant. The first class came in and I just couldn't pull it together. Was I supposed to start this out? I tried. I couldn't think about anything else but the fact that this was not going to be my reality any longer.
I introduced them to their new teacher. And then felt like a goddamned idiot. WTF? Okay, just move forward. That's what I kept telling myself. The students were confused. I was asked what was going on...was I fired? was this my assistant? No, I said, this is your new teacher for the rest of the year. They still looked confused. Well, one student asked, where are you going to be working in the school. I had to tell them, this is my last day. I was holding back sobs. The wave of illness passing over me again.
After a few classes like that, I just went to the principal and told her that I was going to leave and she was going to pay me for the day. There's no reason that I should be there.
She told me she'd contact the sub office. So after several degrading moments, it was lunch and I left. and drove. and cried. Not that a certified teacher took my spot, but by the unbelievable manner in which I was treated.
I need to let this go.
03 January 2009
Gettin' it out of your system.
So, I'd like to apologize to my (huge) audience for all the cussing in that last blog. I was just "gettin' it out of my system." Actually, I ended up coming out of the situation better than I could have imagined. So, even though I don't retract my rant...I do realize that perhaps I over-reacted. And y'all were witness to it. Well, I guess we're all tight now. Thank you for the support.
With all this New Year's energy floating around, it makes me feel like I should start thinking of how I can cultivate, create, manifest goodness into my life. I'm guessing there are many out there pondering the same thing. Funny thing is that, I feel like I'm on the right path. Always room for improvement. But, that just goes without saying...that's just how I roll. I don't have to really sit down and talk myself into finding ways to improve my life. It just happens. I don't mean the improvement, per se, but the attempt to improve. Trial-error. Like a scientific experiment. Does that make me a narcissist? I am open for honest comments on that, too.
I guess if I were to project the things that I would like to happen in the next year, it would be to get my career on track. I've been grappling with this one for as long as I've been an adult. I'm still living like a poor college student and perplexed to why. Why? Friends in the same boat as me think that perhaps it's self-sabotage. I don't know. I truly believe that I can do whatever it is I want to do, I am doing what I want. I'm simply not making enough money doing it. How to step it up, make money while doing exactly what I'm doing? Risk taking? Jesus, I don't know. More confidence? Better judgement? Searching? Attracting opportunity?
I'll keep this one on the burner, regardless of the time of the year. Anyone feel like sharing their resolutions? Go ahead, get it out of your system...
With all this New Year's energy floating around, it makes me feel like I should start thinking of how I can cultivate, create, manifest goodness into my life. I'm guessing there are many out there pondering the same thing. Funny thing is that, I feel like I'm on the right path. Always room for improvement. But, that just goes without saying...that's just how I roll. I don't have to really sit down and talk myself into finding ways to improve my life. It just happens. I don't mean the improvement, per se, but the attempt to improve. Trial-error. Like a scientific experiment. Does that make me a narcissist? I am open for honest comments on that, too.
I guess if I were to project the things that I would like to happen in the next year, it would be to get my career on track. I've been grappling with this one for as long as I've been an adult. I'm still living like a poor college student and perplexed to why. Why? Friends in the same boat as me think that perhaps it's self-sabotage. I don't know. I truly believe that I can do whatever it is I want to do, I am doing what I want. I'm simply not making enough money doing it. How to step it up, make money while doing exactly what I'm doing? Risk taking? Jesus, I don't know. More confidence? Better judgement? Searching? Attracting opportunity?
I'll keep this one on the burner, regardless of the time of the year. Anyone feel like sharing their resolutions? Go ahead, get it out of your system...
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