misc.

I'm at a very bizarre place in my life right now. On one hand, I feel like there are so many blessings, so many understandings that I am so grateful for. And on the other hand, there are so many confusions and uncomfortable emotions surfacing. I'm trying to navigate my way through this dense forest of beauty and fear. I know that the process of letting go and just feeling my way through it will lead me to the correct destination...but, what is correct? If that's not a clear vision, how can you be guided? Is it essential to know where you want to be in order to get to that spot? Or does the Universe guide you there by default...knowing where you should be? Do I just allow that? I am truly confused. I'm confused about how much control we have on our destinies. As of the last several months, everything that I've asked the Universe for, I've indeed received. And many times I've thought I should be more careful or specific of what I want. But maybe that's the process too. So, with that, I do believe that we choose where we end up. I guess I don't know what to ask for at this point. I'm fucking up big time on the relationships....the intimate ones. I just want to give up on all that noise. Why do I suck so bad at that? Why am I constantly choosing to give my love to people who cannot reciprocate? Every time! I'm continually choosing people who are insecure, don't know their own worth, don't believe in themselves. But I see it. I see their beauty and I want them to see it too. And I want to encourage it. I want to inspire that beauty to be set free. But, why do I feel that it's my responsibility? I don't know why, but I just do. And the only person who gets burned is me. Because, like them, I also need inspiration. But I'm not going to get it. And who in the hell do I think I am? It does seem pretty egotistical to think that I can inspire people to believe in themselves, right? But that's exactly what I do when I teach. My goal is to show my students their worth. So, is it okay to do with children and not adults? There have been people who have shown me love when I didn't feel like I deserved it and I didn't believe in myself and I am eternally grateful to them...for believing that I could be more, for perservering even though I pushed them away, to keep coming back. They could see something that I couldn't. I would never be where I'm at without that kind of love. In many ways, I want to pay it forward. Because I'm in the position in my life to do it. Maybe I just am not good at telling when someone just is not going to allow that type of love. Maybe I need to know when to give up. That's my problem. I never give up.