The Day are indeed packed.

I woke up with a fun sense of humor. Just giggling all day. That's special because that hasn't been the usual mood. After about a year and a half of a bullshit pandemic...full of control, lies, illusions....I thanked the Lord above when I found myself giggling with my daughters first thing in the morning. Oh yes!! This is what I need. I need it like I need water, air, sustenance of all kinds. And it lasted all day. This bouyancy. This grace. Thank you dear Lord for this. I'm homeschooling for the second year in a row now. It's been such a blessing. I love how we're free to learn as we wish. We worked with multiplication today..specifically the 8s! We laughed so hard when using flash cards. Just silliness and fun and I believe we learn more when we are relaxed and enjoying ourselves. We worked on Writing. At this point, the girls are learning about extending sentences and adding flavor (descriptive words). It's the best. I love this shit. And they both get excited about it too. How cool. We went to Lake Park today. We had a picnic there a few days ago and the girls had the best time. Honestly, that was the highlight of our time the whole day...they had ALL day to just PLAY!! So, we returned with the intent to play and also get ourselves on the tennis courts. I've been teaching them how to play...invested in rackets, balls, gear. They've really latched onto it. As they were playing on the playground, I started hitting a ball against the board. I'm trying to get back into it...but I'm really out of shape at this point and need some help. I'm self-taught, so I just play for fun and to get some activity. I've always loved tennis. As I was hitting, an older gentlemen comes and sits down on the bench in the court area. Soon the girls come and they want to hit against the board. It wasn't long before I struck up a conversation with this man...who I came to learn is Grover. He just happens to be a tennis teacher and we were playing in his "office" lol. He definitely had some pointers for me and convinced me that to know how to play correctly is worth it. I've always played for just fun...but I was listening. As a teacher, I have respect and am also able to play the role of student. We quickly befriended and now...he's going to be our coach. I couldn't be more excited. Learning a skill is one of my favorite things in life. I feel like this was a serendipitous moment. So grateful. So, this will be added to our homeschool time. I adore having control over my children's education. I continue to love life...because it proves to be abundant with blessings.

Feeling the love.

I must say that I am blown away! Just BLOWN! And in the best way possible. Here I am, at the most vulnerable point of my life...I'm certain that I haven't been more vulnerable than this. And beyond a doubt, I have been blessed more than ever. How is that even possible? I think I may have an inkling. Here's what's happening. I am allowing. I am allowing the people who love me, help me. And the help is coming in so abundantly. Just beyond what I could've ever imagined. I am asking for help. And most importantly, I'm not pretending that I'm fine. I'm being honest. I'm not pretending that I'm the strongest person and that I got all this covered. Because, I don't! Lord, I don't. I've told my friends, I'm having a hard time. I'm falling apart. And the help has come rushing in. Even if it's meant that there is a listening ear. But even more than that...people have offered all sorts of resources to help myself and my sweet ladies. As I relax into the abundance that the Universe has offered me...the more beautiful it becomes. Out of nowhere, comes opportunities. Wow, I am so grateful for these moments. It's a little different for me to move past this idea that because my life is falling apart in some areas, that it should be hard, and I should be struggling. But for the most part, I'm not struggling. Any area of my life that I'm struggling, it's my beliefs that are holding me back. The more that I accept where I am, the emotions that come with a broken family, the more that I move through it. The easier my days become. Of course, there's still the ebb and flow and some days are more difficult than I can even communicate...but you all know. You all know that pain. We all know it. We've all felt loss. We've all felt rejected. We've all seen our lives fall apart in front of us. And what if, it's falling apart to our benefit? What if it's what needs to happen in order for us to be a better version of ourselves? I am sending thanks and gratitude for every being that has assisted me in moving through this pain. I'm so grateful that I'm able to see the gifts that are in front of me. I'm so grateful for the community that has come to my aid. Bless you all. With all of my heart!!!

The story

Hahaha! So, just coming across this blog after not seeing it for quite awhile. It seems fitting. Everything always has a reason. I really enjoyed reading my writings and realized that I don't write like this anymore. My past several journals are all notes from classes...conciousness classes. Previous to that was kind of documentation of pregnancy and having new babies...making note of the incredibleness of it and the various things that my sweet girls were up to and at what ages. I love that I'll have that to look back at, but often lately, I've been thinking of ridding myself of all journals. The past is the past. It doesn't exist anymore. Do I really need to know about the first haircut or tooth that came through? WEll, I guess, yes. I do. Today has been interesting...I've also been looking through pictures...in order to find a specific picture and it was glorious and haunting all at the same time. The last several years of my life went by like a big lightning bolt. Just, SHABANG! Since I've last written, DONE many, many things. All of these things are labels. It's what I'm BEING that is of most interest to me at this point. I have no doubts that everything that has unfolded has been part of the plan I created to be more myself than ever before. So, when looking through the pictures of a very happy family, my girls...much younger...me, much younger...It almost seems like another lifetime. I was basically surviving through a great deal of it. Just going through the motions. If you have children, you know that those first few years are BRUTAL. I was pregnant two years in a row! B R U T A L ! I taught, working at least 50 hours a week. Trying to be everything for everybody. Until I stopped and started to look at myself, again. I started waking up at 4 to meditate and study my innate abilities and then study business. I put the girls to bed every night and mostly fell asleep with them. I did this for at least a year...I think over a year. I completely neglected my relationship with my partner. So focused on healing my demons so that I could be a good mom and not repeat the shit that happened to me. Staring down my shadows. Finding them, loving them and letting them go. One after another. So many demons. So many limiting beliefs. It was like...where do I start and does this shit ever end? It's challenging being with someone who isn't on the same journey. Someone is who completely fine numbing the pain away. We all numb in various ways. However, I'm more awake than ever and need to be with someone who is at least interested in it. I shouldn't sell myself short here. I've been on this journey too long to settle for that. I need to find someone who is AS DEEP into it as me. So, selling myself short should be the title of this chapter! "Selling Yourself Short" a story of not asking for enough. or perhaps "Afraid of Your Shadow?" a story of the endless cycle of running away and stuffing your emotions...deep, so deep. Ah, another topic that has been highlighted over the past few years, "Trauma: How to release the demons that find their way into your soul" There have been many traumas in my life and the last few years have been no exception. I'd like to think that I've been working through them. Yet, the shadow is sneaky. It hides so well. It's when you least expect it that you realize that it's been running you. Dave has been inpatient at the VA for depression and PTSD for the last 2 months. He's dealing with his demons and I pray that he's made friends with them. Our relationship is almost non-existent, short of communications of the girls. We will make a heart connection periodically, and then it will return to business only. I'm accepting that he is not able to be part of our family the way that I envisioned. I'm so grateful that things came to a head for him. Because he's been a MASTER at stuffing down emotions and pretending he's "just fine." One would think that with all of this chaos, I would be a hot mess. Some days, yes. Mostly, I am feeling more gratitude and love than ever before. I am so excited to get writing again on the magic that's come of all of the traumas of the last several years. It is abundant. At this point, the Days are packed with Abundance and Joy and POSSIBILITY! Blessings to you!

My trip to Lion's Den Gorge, aka, heaven.

Another wonderful adventure on my bike. I'm loving that my boyfriend is the one who suggested it! We were a little flipped out about that last trail ride, but the weather has been so gorgeous and our schedules were free...so we headed north to the bluffs.
When we hiked through the gorge earlier in the summer, we noticed all the signs for the trails. We didn't walk them because there were so many mosquitoes. It was our thought to return.
The trails are layered with wood chips that have been pushed down from use. There were about 4 different paths. Some of them had wood chips freshly laid down, which made it more challenging to bike over, but still so very beautiful. The cool part about these trails is they were free of obstacles, so you could truly observe the nature around you. At times you'd be right along the bluffs and had an spectacular view of the lake. Other parts were deeper in the greenery. I really felt like I had reached my personal heaven. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling to myself. It was so peacful...with the crunching under the bike tires and the evening sun shining through the trees, creating all sorts of patterns throughout the wooded area.
It really raised my spirits and I slept like a baby. Next trip, we're going to head out early in the morning...I can't wait!

Parnell Observatory Tower Revisited.

A few years ago, I posted about my visit to Parnell Observatory Tower. Since then, I've taken my sweet along with me. Last summer, we took the road trip after his shift, which around 3 or 4 in the morning. It was a dark drive in. The park wasn't even open when we arrived, but that didn't stop us. By the time we reached the top of the tower, the sun was just peeking at us and the ground fog was slowly lifting. Dave said, "I'm hanging out in the clouds with Michelle!" Sweetness. It was a short, yet brilliant experience.
Just this last Saturday, Dave suggested that we bring our bikes out and ride the hiking trail that I told him about. So, we put our bikes in the bed of the truck and headed toward the Kettle Moraine. It had just stormed the night before. To Dave, that would be part of the fun. I also have just bought a new mountain bike. I haven't been that impressed riding it around town and on the bike path...mostly because it's a monster and also, I really miss the feel of my Giant Iguana. I'm forging a new relationship, but it's still in the awkward stages. What I found out about my bike on Saturday was this: It was MEANT for the trails!
For those of you who have been out that way, you know that to get to the tower itself is quite a steep incline. I can't give you length, but it's considerable. So first we carried our bikes up those stairs before we even reached the trail. All the moisture made the mosquito activity INTENSE! We got on our bikes straight away to get moving! I had no idea what I was in for. Truly, if I would have, I never would have done it. Shit, I'm itching right now! The terrain was treacherous! Clusters of stones, tree roots, fallen trees were all hurdles. If I didn't know how to handle my bike before, well, this was a situation where there was no other choice but to figure it out! I was jealous of Dave's bike tires, they are thinner and able to get through some of the clusters of rocks, whereas mine are so big, they'd just ricochet back and forth or slide on the wetness. I thought for sure I wasn't making it off that trail without some broken appendages. Eventually, I just sucked it up and stopped fearing the worst case scenario. We thought eventually, the rough terrain would change, but, it did not! We needed to get off of our bikes for steep in/declines. That's when the mosquitoes ate us alive. It was best to be moving while on my bike, so I tried to stay there as much as possible. I cursed the trail the whole way. I was so focused on what was right in front of me, I didn't even get the chance to take notice to the beauty around me. It was a bit sad. I was so determined to get out of the wooded area that I just started attacking all the obstacles. It was as if I was telling those stones to "Fuck off! You will not bring me down! I will survive!" Pretty dramatic, but it was a dramatic situation.
When we finally got out of the treacherous trail, we noticed a family who had bikes atop their mini-van and about to embark on their adventure through the woods. Dave was given them a snapshot of the situation and I biked through saying, "I don't recommend it. Really...don't do it!"
I am thankful for the challenge. But Jesus H! That was unbelievable. I think I should have started with something a little less intense. I'm now intrigued to try the bike path along the river...I'm guessing it may be a little more user friendly.
And next time...I'm wearing more clothing. I must have 50 huge mosquito bites all over me!

Days of our Lives.

I am amazed at how quickly the days go by.
In this instance, I want the next few days to go by as quickly as possible. About 45 days ago, I made the decision to move away from my roommate...an illness that I needed to rid myself of. It's been a long time coming and now here we are, just days away from no longer having that negative energy in my home.
It couldn't have worked out better for me. I'm actually staying and my boyfriend is moving in. So, I really made out on this deal. I do empathize with my soon to be ex-roommate. She has so much shit to move. And I know that she wasn't happy with our living situation either. The only difference is that she tried to change me instead of changing her situation for herself.
This whole experience has made me realize just how important good communication skills are. Our whole social experience can be made or unmade by our communication techniques.
I'm excited to be comfortable in my intimate arena. I'm excited to create a peaceful space with my boyfriend. I'm really happy about the days to come. I just hope I can get through the next few unscathed.

What a year!

What a year this has been!
What a wild ride!
I'm ready to start writing again...inspired by my good friend Chester. I've been journaling this whole time, which I'm surprised that I had the time for. But the way I see it, there is a time to live and then there is a time to reflect on the living you've done.
I subscribe to a weekly reflection. When I was younger, it was called the Sabbath. Friday sunset to Saturday sunset. Biblically speaking, that's the time that was set aside for us to rest and connect with the most important people in our lives. A time of inspiration. A time to regroup and visualize the direction that we want to proceed. Although I no longer go to church, or consider myself religious, I still hold fast to this theory. It's important to have a goal and a vision. It's important to sit with that vision and create its existence in your life. And that takes a little time. A little time to just be and really feel it.
I haven't been able to really keep up on those reflections. Not ideally. This last year, with taking my certification classes and teaching, much of me was put to the side. Funny, it was when I needed it the most!
It's been on month since school's let out. One month since I became a licensed teacher. I reflect on the work that it took. I reflect on my accomplishments and my failures. It was all so intense. And now, I sit and listen to what my body is telling me. It's taken me this whole month to feel like myself again. I often think, Holy Shit! How in the hell did I pull that off? But, I did. And so, I smile. My life is forever changed because of all that hard work. I wish I could have been that focused earlier in my life. I wish I would have believed in myself earlier. But, water under the bridge...it happened and that's all that matters.
Now my mind is focused in a new direction. Similar in the way that I need to find a teaching position, but I'm standing on different ground one year later. I've gotten even more tools to use to make the differences that I want in my arena. I understand clearer effectiveness, efficiency, and the overall rhythm that exists. I'm not pretending that I'm going to start going into classrooms and change the whole system...well, not right away. However, I'm prepared now to continue planting seeds. A heartier version of the seeds that I have been planting.
I've got hope. That's what this rest has given me.

True Love

I have recently experienced true love. It was so very beautiful. I have never felt so able to be myself. I have never felt such patience and such ability to accept the moment for the moment. I have never felt such ability to love someone for who they were at that very moment. Not for whom I hoped they'd be, but with their faults. Never have I experienced something so gorgeous. Because, it signified that I was doing that same very thing for myself. It's been a long time coming that I've tried to love myself as much as I believe that I should.
It just happened to be the man that I messed up with last summer. Well, I've come to understand that it wasn't me who messed up. It is just a young man who in so many ways is in the beginning stages of loving himself. I've been there, I get it. But his refusal to be loved has got to be one of the most painful things I've ever felt. I almost wish I could by pass this lesson...because it is really painful. I just pray that the love we shared will be something he can reflect on at some point...that I was someone he will KNOW beyond a doubt loves him. Because I do. But I have been rejected and I know that I need to let go of this...move forward and be grateful for this realization.
I am excited for the next time I'm able to experience this depth.

WTF?

I just recently took this blog link off of my facebook account. I had a friend who felt worried for me and thought I might be going off the deep end. Of course, there is always that option. Quite literally, I don't know what's up or down anymore. I have lost all grounding. I have attempted anything that I can try to pull together any sense of structure and it has all failed. I don't want people to worry about me. However, I feel that I need to get this shit out of my system. My parents taught me when I was a kid, that no one wants to hear your problems. They taught me that it was very unbecoming to express your needs or worries. Just put on a happy face.
I find myself fighting right now to keep on that happy face for everyone. But I'm to the point now, that I don't really care how people take what I'm going through. It just is and I don't know how to pretend that it isn't. However, the only people who are even peeking at this blog are people that I care about...so I'm going to be real.
Perhaps what I'm experiencing is just growing pains. If I knew why I was suffering, it would give meaning to it. But I am at a loss. So, I suffer blindly. Wondering, why? why this pain? Why this loneliness? Why this disconnect with the world around me?
I look around and wonder how is it possible that people choose to live the way they do and also look in the metaphorical mirror and ask myself the same. I was at a Oakland Gyros on the South side earlier today. Beautiful restaurant. But, there was this girl who sat down in a booth and her father joined her. I could see that she was talking and smiling. I envisioned she was talking about her day at school. Her father was seriously focused on his meal. Didn't look up or comment on what his daughter was saying. I felt sad. Because I just kept thinking that he was missing out on something beautiful. But, he was so wrapped up in something else. His mind was somewhere else. And it's not like I'm making him the bad guy, because as an adult I understand all the shit that has to get thought about and taken care of. It was just this overwhelming sadness that we are all missing the important shit and getting lost in the stuff that matters, but not to the degree that we make ourselves believe.
Then I looked out the window. A van with a woman...waiting for her food from the drive thru (yes Oakland Gyros has a drive thru). She was holding a box with a doll in it and talking to, I assume, her daughter in the back. She looked frustrated...shaking her head while holding this box and I have no idea what she could be saying, but again, I just felt sad. Sad that there was any type of controversy over a doll.
It makes me wonder if I am delusional about how things really work. Is this normal? I mean, I have no idea what it's like to have kids and be around them all the time. Is there a point where you need to zone out and be in "adult" mode? I guess I won't know until I have my own. But, I do feel confident that these little interactions that people have with their children, create their children. Does anyone else see the importance of these little reactions or vignettes the same way that I do? That they are indeed extremely important.
I see so many limitations of myself and the people around me. So many times I wonder...how much of this has to do with the way in which we were taught or exposed to the world initially...the manner in which we were taught to see the world.
I see my patience for these limitations dwindling. Mostly my own. I am in such a crazy place now. I know for sure that there is a new consciousness that I'm embarking on and that it's huge. It has been coming for years and I've felt it tugging at my soul and it has driven me to hours of studying and endless hours of observation and undying perserverence to understand what it is. It is a relentless nagging. I am compelled to understand this. But what is it? And if I were to subscribe to Buddhist teachings, which I do on many levels, then I should just fucking relax, because that's the only time that you get it anyway. Perhaps that's what I'm meant to learn. To let go and be fine with this craziness. It just seems so pressing.
So, now full circle. Earlier I mentioned that we get lost in the stuff that doesn't matter and not paying attention to the stuff that does. Perhaps the goal is to release that pressing feeling and just allow it to be what it is. Detachment. I'm going to try out this theory.
To end this, I would like to thank all of my friends who have been dealing with my bizarre behavior lately. I appreciate you all in my life. You help me to be a better person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

misc.

I'm at a very bizarre place in my life right now. On one hand, I feel like there are so many blessings, so many understandings that I am so grateful for. And on the other hand, there are so many confusions and uncomfortable emotions surfacing. I'm trying to navigate my way through this dense forest of beauty and fear. I know that the process of letting go and just feeling my way through it will lead me to the correct destination...but, what is correct? If that's not a clear vision, how can you be guided? Is it essential to know where you want to be in order to get to that spot? Or does the Universe guide you there by default...knowing where you should be? Do I just allow that? I am truly confused. I'm confused about how much control we have on our destinies. As of the last several months, everything that I've asked the Universe for, I've indeed received. And many times I've thought I should be more careful or specific of what I want. But maybe that's the process too. So, with that, I do believe that we choose where we end up. I guess I don't know what to ask for at this point. I'm fucking up big time on the relationships....the intimate ones. I just want to give up on all that noise. Why do I suck so bad at that? Why am I constantly choosing to give my love to people who cannot reciprocate? Every time! I'm continually choosing people who are insecure, don't know their own worth, don't believe in themselves. But I see it. I see their beauty and I want them to see it too. And I want to encourage it. I want to inspire that beauty to be set free. But, why do I feel that it's my responsibility? I don't know why, but I just do. And the only person who gets burned is me. Because, like them, I also need inspiration. But I'm not going to get it. And who in the hell do I think I am? It does seem pretty egotistical to think that I can inspire people to believe in themselves, right? But that's exactly what I do when I teach. My goal is to show my students their worth. So, is it okay to do with children and not adults? There have been people who have shown me love when I didn't feel like I deserved it and I didn't believe in myself and I am eternally grateful to them...for believing that I could be more, for perservering even though I pushed them away, to keep coming back. They could see something that I couldn't. I would never be where I'm at without that kind of love. In many ways, I want to pay it forward. Because I'm in the position in my life to do it. Maybe I just am not good at telling when someone just is not going to allow that type of love. Maybe I need to know when to give up. That's my problem. I never give up.

Power.

So, I've been on this very rich and rewarding journey for, well, all my life. However, in the last several years...things have gotten more and more intense. And it seems that the challenges set before me have also grown at the same intensity. Sometimes I forget that that's how it works.
Just recently, I have been tormented (at least in my own mind) with the challenges of keeping my mind focused while everything around me just falls apart. I was out of it for almost two weeks. At least one full week of wondering if it would just be better off if I walk in front of a car. Preferably one clipping by at a good pace. I even got depressed about that. Thinking that it would be just my fucking luck to do something that stupid, survive it and end up in a wheelchair. Maybe that's why I didn't do it.
Mostly, I think I didn't do it because it was painful to think about. It pushed me so far though, so far into the depths of wondering what the fuck am I doing here, suffering like this. It got so unfuckingbelievably painful that I actually got to the point to realize the absurdness of my thoughts. That these thoughts were choices...illusions. I was choosing to see my challenges as inconveniences instead of the true gifts they are. I lost sight of my own power. I lost sight into the purpose of my growth and actually wasn't giving myself enough credit for how far I've come in my own personal growth. I somehow lost sight that I have the power to change every single aspect of the bullshit I was allowing myself to wallow in. And with that...I changed my mind. And with that...my situation began to change...IMMEDIATELY. Buoyancy, lightness, lung expansion...all of it was produced from a simple choice to use the power that was given to me by our creator, the Universe. The endless energy of love that is unconditional and always there for me. I'm so thankful I finally came to that realization. Things are looking up.

Case of the Mondays.

Well, it seems as though I have a case of the Mondays. It didn't start out that way. I left my house this morning thanking God, out loud, for the job that I have.
Actually I did that like three times. I absolutely love my job. Even when it sucks. I was so ready to get back to work. I love seeing the kids I work with. My most recent long-term assignment, teaching gym every MWF, was just starting to feel comfortable. I felt that I was finally reaching even the far-reaching students.
When I arrived at school, I went to get the keys to my office. Someone in the office asked me, "What are you doing here?" I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of started stuttering something. She said there was another gym teacher who was hired before Christmas break, didn't the sub office tell me? Uh, no. So, with keys in hand and absolute shock I just stared at her and then the principal. The principal just made light of it, like she held no responsibility or knowledge of what was going on. Unbelievable. She told me that if I wanted to stay for the day...I could acquaint the new teacher with the details of things. Oh, how accommodating of her. I felt like I was going to vomit up my breakfast all over them. Who is so unprofessional?
Attempting to be unflappable (which is certainly NOT in my nature), I walked to my office, looked around, tried to figure out what needed to be taken care of, how to organize the information I had just received. I absently filled out my sub sheet for the day, and walked back to the office. I thought perhaps that was simply an illusion. Perhaps that didn't really happen. I was stopped by an employee who asked me what I was doing there...the "real" gym teacher had just walked in. Oh, and there she is.
Well, I was indeed unflappable. I was kind and showed her everything. We both showed excitement about all the great gym supplies the school had through a grant. The first class came in and I just couldn't pull it together. Was I supposed to start this out? I tried. I couldn't think about anything else but the fact that this was not going to be my reality any longer.
I introduced them to their new teacher. And then felt like a goddamned idiot. WTF? Okay, just move forward. That's what I kept telling myself. The students were confused. I was asked what was going on...was I fired? was this my assistant? No, I said, this is your new teacher for the rest of the year. They still looked confused. Well, one student asked, where are you going to be working in the school. I had to tell them, this is my last day. I was holding back sobs. The wave of illness passing over me again.
After a few classes like that, I just went to the principal and told her that I was going to leave and she was going to pay me for the day. There's no reason that I should be there.
She told me she'd contact the sub office. So after several degrading moments, it was lunch and I left. and drove. and cried. Not that a certified teacher took my spot, but by the unbelievable manner in which I was treated.
I need to let this go.

Gettin' it out of your system.

So, I'd like to apologize to my (huge) audience for all the cussing in that last blog. I was just "gettin' it out of my system." Actually, I ended up coming out of the situation better than I could have imagined. So, even though I don't retract my rant...I do realize that perhaps I over-reacted. And y'all were witness to it. Well, I guess we're all tight now. Thank you for the support.

With all this New Year's energy floating around, it makes me feel like I should start thinking of how I can cultivate, create, manifest goodness into my life. I'm guessing there are many out there pondering the same thing. Funny thing is that, I feel like I'm on the right path. Always room for improvement. But, that just goes without saying...that's just how I roll. I don't have to really sit down and talk myself into finding ways to improve my life. It just happens. I don't mean the improvement, per se, but the attempt to improve. Trial-error. Like a scientific experiment. Does that make me a narcissist? I am open for honest comments on that, too.

I guess if I were to project the things that I would like to happen in the next year, it would be to get my career on track. I've been grappling with this one for as long as I've been an adult. I'm still living like a poor college student and perplexed to why. Why? Friends in the same boat as me think that perhaps it's self-sabotage. I don't know. I truly believe that I can do whatever it is I want to do, I am doing what I want. I'm simply not making enough money doing it. How to step it up, make money while doing exactly what I'm doing? Risk taking? Jesus, I don't know. More confidence? Better judgement? Searching? Attracting opportunity?

I'll keep this one on the burner, regardless of the time of the year. Anyone feel like sharing their resolutions? Go ahead, get it out of your system...

the good, the bad

So, I've done it once again. I made an indiscretion and will have to pay a way higher price than I think is valid.
The good, dear god, the good. I am so good. Maybe too good. Goody two shoes. Goody-goody. I LOVE being good. But good great god, I'm still fucking human.
I can be a bitch, I can be a brat, I can be mean, I can be a real pain in the ass.
And so the fuck what? Everyone has these aspects.
But yet, I am good. and bad. But mostly good.
If you know me, which many of you do...you know that I will bring you way more pleasure than pain. That's just the truth. And I am all about truth. Speak your truth. Sometimes it comes out bitchy. But truth will always come out.
So, fuck good, fuck bad.
I am me. Take me for what I am. I am full of love to give and receive. And I won't let one indiscretion make me change my mind about how amazing I am.
No one should.
Love to all of you and all your goodness and badness. I love you regardless.

Falling in Love.

About a week ago, I went to Turner Hall Ballroom to see the Made in Milwaukee show. November 22, 2008. There were a bunch of performances. Of course, one of my favorites, the Rusty P's. God, I love their stuff. Great beat, great lyrics, great energy. I never bore of them and they always get me moving.
The main performance was Brother Ali. I had never heard of him, really. Except for this event. I was absolutely blown away. Completely. You know, the kind of wave of energy, where you can't stop gawking, then smiling, then giggling, then nodding in agreement. What power. The beats just taking control of my every movement. He just took over. It was like falling in love...instantly. I've felt this before at a show. It was Def Harmonic. Many, many moons ago. I hadn't heard of them either. But once Leah started singing, my mouth just dropped. Then my body started moving, then I started smiling. I thought, this is love, for sure. You must know what I'm talking about. For me, it doesn't happen often.
Maybe you'll feel the same thing. If you want to hear some of his music and an interview with him by Tarik Moody...http://blog.radiomilwaukee.org.

Harmony.

The yin/yang. The balances. The equator. There are many ways to make analogies to harmony. Personally, having my sun in Libra, I understand the art of balance. Having your sun placed in the scales, however, doesn't necessarily mean that you are balanced. It means that you "strive" for balance. I do indeed see both sides of any story. I see the good with the bad. I see every person's point of view in an argument and am willing to accept my own fault when it is valid.
I've come to realize that everyone's point of view is valid. Because it is their reality, just as much as my reality is valid. Once I started to believe this, my life became so much more peaceful. So much more, harmonized.
I have been striving for this for a long time. I don't know if striving is the correct term, because it's actually the process of letting go that has brought these little visions of how to live my life with fluidity. With more fluidity. The more I see it, the more I let go, because it feels so good.
I've been letting go of judgements...of others and myself. Well, first myself. I've been forgiving myself for imperfections. I've been more compassionate about my humanness. I've been able to see beauty that is so intangible. Beauty that has nothing to do with my height, weight, hair color, or any other visual context. In allowing this, I am also able to see this in other people and I am truly amazed by this glorious experience.
It is so easy to let go of trivial shit.
And again, I feel grateful for this experience, this life. Despite its imperfections, or perhaps because of its imperfections.

Harmony

Thankfulness.

I realize it's not Thanksgiving just yet...however, I feel thankful. Every Fall, I get this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I'm not certain exactly what that's about. One of my theories is that my birthday is the first day of Fall. It seems that everywhere I look, I feel amazed. Like I'm a child and seeing it, experiencing it for the first time. I get so playful, so giddy and unexplainably full of joy.
For the most part, I think this is how I'd like to live my life, but this time of the year it is so intense. My mind is like a sponge and I want to learn, learn, learn. Could it be that Fall just happens to be the beginning of the school year? There is definitely excitement in that.
At this point, when I look at my life, I see such abundance. Abundance of friends, abundance of love, abundance of energy, abundance of luxuries.
When I'm at home, I think of how cool it is that I have such a beautiful apartment, such a nice neighborhood. When I cook, I think how cool it is that I have food to eat. I'm also thankful to have food to put in the kittie's bowl. In my room, I'm thankful for my comfortable bed, the warmth from the heat that I've recently had to turn on. I feel happy to play the music that I enjoy. I've got a guitar to play. I've got books to read. I've got the knowledge of yoga and can experience something so profound at any moment. I can pick from a number of movies or I can walk to the library and check one out. I have a phone in which I can call a friend and connect. I have a laptop, which I'm using right now...another way to connect to the world. If I want, I can go out on a bike ride and bring my camera to document the beauty that I see around me. Amazing! I can take my car to any side of town that I need to go to. When I walk down the street, I can see people from my neighborhood and we can share our daily experiences, whether good or bad, to connect. I feel grateful that I have the opportunity to work with children every time that I go to work. The other day, at the end of the day teaching a 1st grade class, a little girl who needed a little extra attention during the day, handed me a picture she drew for me. It had a character in the middle. Mme Dekutowski on one side and on the other side it read, I love you. Sometimes I can't even believe this kind of beauty. Seriously, it just blows my mind.
I am so blessed to tuck my nephews in at night and giggle with them and they tell me stories or ask me to tell them a story about when their mama and me were kids. They share their ice cream with me...or when they want me to read them a story in a southern drawl...it is something that brings about the feelings of gratitude beyond words.
How cool is it to go out around town and experience the local talent and see how dedicated people are to live their dreams and bring about positivity to their community? That's what I'm talking about.
I was talking to a friend the other day about perceptions. I've come to realize that if you believe in beauty...if you have faith that it exists...you see it everywhere. I have been working on purposely choosing how I see the world and have opened my mind to it...to the reality that we choose our reality and in fact bring about our reality.
I know that if anyone reads this, they may think I'm a little crazy...but really I had to put this down in writing.
I don't want to not acknowledge that there are plenty of horrendous things happening in this world that we live in. But I also believe that understanding the power of our mindset is the manner in which we can change horror into beauty. Does anyone agree with me?
I would love some feedback on others' perceptions.
I would indeed be thankful for that.

Fall flavor in the Kettle Moraine.

This is what it looks like while standing at the highest level at the Parnell Exploratory Tower. My first experience here was back in college, when a running buddy of mine declared this one of the most sacred fall experiences. Back then we called it Parnell Lookout Tower, but whatever...semantics.
It is, indeed, breathtaking. Even though I was here two years ago, I never bore of it. And apparently, neither does anyone else. The place was packed. It is considered a State Park, which means you have to pay for your experience and there was a line of cars full of people willing to do so. Being pressed for time, I wasn't sure if I should wait or not. But, I had just driven a full hour to get here and decided there was no way that I was leaving without getting atop that tower.
The tower isn't the only cool aspect of the park. Two years ago, I worked third shift and decided, off the cuff after work, to take a little road trip. The place was empty and I was able to also take a hike on the trails in the forest. It was one of the most peaceful experiences I've ever had.
Unfortunately, this last time, the park was swarming with people, bees and ladybugs. It's cool to know that so many people are taking advantage of our state beauty, though.
Coincidentally, it was also about two years that I bought my first Wisconsin Atlas and Gazeteer. I had had my eye on it for so long. Every time I went into some gas station, it would be among the other maps and it called to me. I'd peak at it, adore it, covet having one near me during every driving occasion, but concluded that $19 was just a crazy amount to charge for some "map." After I finally made the plunge andd purchaed it, I wished I would have succumb earlier. It is a wealth of information on all the natural wonders that exist in our fair state. It's an amazing resource.
My goal was to just pick out various destinations that I had never been to before and just...go. The concept is a wonderful one. However, the last few years, it's gotten pretty pricey to just drive around for the hell of it. I have recently decided that it is the closest opportunity that I have for a vacation, so I will justify it in that context.
For anyone who is willing to splurge a bit on gas and entry fee into the park...which was $5/hr or $10/day, I highly recommend the trip. As much as I love my pictures, they truly don't do this adventure any justice. Bon Voyage!

Debates.

Okay, so i am pretty hot about the debates last night. I really can't even articulate why, not entirely. I had a professor tell me once that if you can't articulate it, you don't really know it. So essentially that means that I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I can come to terms with that. But I do know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling that Sarah Palin is absolutely delusional. She can't make connections that would make me believe that she really understands what it would take to make differences. At one point, when both her and Biden were given the opportunity to come forward with mistakes they may have learned from in their roles. Biden showed humility and gave an example of the learning curve of any job. And Palin, couldn't think of anything she would have done differently or learned from her experiences. Even though I don't know how, at this moment, to articulate everything that's fucked with that...there certainly is something wrong with that type of mentality. Otherwise, she hasn't had enough experience to have one of those moments where you can actually see that your way of thinking may not be the best. That's just one of the things that bothered me about that debate.
Maybe I should just stick with being opinionated about what I know. I certainly don't understand politics. I just know that I can tell when people know what the fuck they're talking about and Sarah Palin doesn't. I think that she thinks she does. I think she truly believes in what she's doing.