Another wonderful adventure on my bike. I'm loving that my boyfriend is the one who suggested it! We were a little flipped out about that last trail ride, but the weather has been so gorgeous and our schedules were free...so we headed north to the bluffs.
When we hiked through the gorge earlier in the summer, we noticed all the signs for the trails. We didn't walk them because there were so many mosquitoes. It was our thought to return.
The trails are layered with wood chips that have been pushed down from use. There were about 4 different paths. Some of them had wood chips freshly laid down, which made it more challenging to bike over, but still so very beautiful. The cool part about these trails is they were free of obstacles, so you could truly observe the nature around you. At times you'd be right along the bluffs and had an spectacular view of the lake. Other parts were deeper in the greenery. I really felt like I had reached my personal heaven. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling to myself. It was so peacful...with the crunching under the bike tires and the evening sun shining through the trees, creating all sorts of patterns throughout the wooded area.
It really raised my spirits and I slept like a baby. Next trip, we're going to head out early in the morning...I can't wait!
17 August 2010
02 August 2010
Parnell Observatory Tower Revisited.
A few years ago, I posted about my visit to Parnell Observatory Tower. Since then, I've taken my sweet along with me. Last summer, we took the road trip after his shift, which around 3 or 4 in the morning. It was a dark drive in. The park wasn't even open when we arrived, but that didn't stop us. By the time we reached the top of the tower, the sun was just peeking at us and the ground fog was slowly lifting. Dave said, "I'm hanging out in the clouds with Michelle!" Sweetness. It was a short, yet brilliant experience.
Just this last Saturday, Dave suggested that we bring our bikes out and ride the hiking trail that I told him about. So, we put our bikes in the bed of the truck and headed toward the Kettle Moraine. It had just stormed the night before. To Dave, that would be part of the fun. I also have just bought a new mountain bike. I haven't been that impressed riding it around town and on the bike path...mostly because it's a monster and also, I really miss the feel of my Giant Iguana. I'm forging a new relationship, but it's still in the awkward stages. What I found out about my bike on Saturday was this: It was MEANT for the trails!
For those of you who have been out that way, you know that to get to the tower itself is quite a steep incline. I can't give you length, but it's considerable. So first we carried our bikes up those stairs before we even reached the trail. All the moisture made the mosquito activity INTENSE! We got on our bikes straight away to get moving! I had no idea what I was in for. Truly, if I would have, I never would have done it. Shit, I'm itching right now! The terrain was treacherous! Clusters of stones, tree roots, fallen trees were all hurdles. If I didn't know how to handle my bike before, well, this was a situation where there was no other choice but to figure it out! I was jealous of Dave's bike tires, they are thinner and able to get through some of the clusters of rocks, whereas mine are so big, they'd just ricochet back and forth or slide on the wetness. I thought for sure I wasn't making it off that trail without some broken appendages. Eventually, I just sucked it up and stopped fearing the worst case scenario. We thought eventually, the rough terrain would change, but, it did not! We needed to get off of our bikes for steep in/declines. That's when the mosquitoes ate us alive. It was best to be moving while on my bike, so I tried to stay there as much as possible. I cursed the trail the whole way. I was so focused on what was right in front of me, I didn't even get the chance to take notice to the beauty around me. It was a bit sad. I was so determined to get out of the wooded area that I just started attacking all the obstacles. It was as if I was telling those stones to "Fuck off! You will not bring me down! I will survive!" Pretty dramatic, but it was a dramatic situation.
When we finally got out of the treacherous trail, we noticed a family who had bikes atop their mini-van and about to embark on their adventure through the woods. Dave was given them a snapshot of the situation and I biked through saying, "I don't recommend it. Really...don't do it!"
I am thankful for the challenge. But Jesus H! That was unbelievable. I think I should have started with something a little less intense. I'm now intrigued to try the bike path along the river...I'm guessing it may be a little more user friendly.
And next time...I'm wearing more clothing. I must have 50 huge mosquito bites all over me!
Just this last Saturday, Dave suggested that we bring our bikes out and ride the hiking trail that I told him about. So, we put our bikes in the bed of the truck and headed toward the Kettle Moraine. It had just stormed the night before. To Dave, that would be part of the fun. I also have just bought a new mountain bike. I haven't been that impressed riding it around town and on the bike path...mostly because it's a monster and also, I really miss the feel of my Giant Iguana. I'm forging a new relationship, but it's still in the awkward stages. What I found out about my bike on Saturday was this: It was MEANT for the trails!
For those of you who have been out that way, you know that to get to the tower itself is quite a steep incline. I can't give you length, but it's considerable. So first we carried our bikes up those stairs before we even reached the trail. All the moisture made the mosquito activity INTENSE! We got on our bikes straight away to get moving! I had no idea what I was in for. Truly, if I would have, I never would have done it. Shit, I'm itching right now! The terrain was treacherous! Clusters of stones, tree roots, fallen trees were all hurdles. If I didn't know how to handle my bike before, well, this was a situation where there was no other choice but to figure it out! I was jealous of Dave's bike tires, they are thinner and able to get through some of the clusters of rocks, whereas mine are so big, they'd just ricochet back and forth or slide on the wetness. I thought for sure I wasn't making it off that trail without some broken appendages. Eventually, I just sucked it up and stopped fearing the worst case scenario. We thought eventually, the rough terrain would change, but, it did not! We needed to get off of our bikes for steep in/declines. That's when the mosquitoes ate us alive. It was best to be moving while on my bike, so I tried to stay there as much as possible. I cursed the trail the whole way. I was so focused on what was right in front of me, I didn't even get the chance to take notice to the beauty around me. It was a bit sad. I was so determined to get out of the wooded area that I just started attacking all the obstacles. It was as if I was telling those stones to "Fuck off! You will not bring me down! I will survive!" Pretty dramatic, but it was a dramatic situation.
When we finally got out of the treacherous trail, we noticed a family who had bikes atop their mini-van and about to embark on their adventure through the woods. Dave was given them a snapshot of the situation and I biked through saying, "I don't recommend it. Really...don't do it!"
I am thankful for the challenge. But Jesus H! That was unbelievable. I think I should have started with something a little less intense. I'm now intrigued to try the bike path along the river...I'm guessing it may be a little more user friendly.
And next time...I'm wearing more clothing. I must have 50 huge mosquito bites all over me!
30 July 2010
Days of our Lives.
I am amazed at how quickly the days go by.
In this instance, I want the next few days to go by as quickly as possible. About 45 days ago, I made the decision to move away from my roommate...an illness that I needed to rid myself of. It's been a long time coming and now here we are, just days away from no longer having that negative energy in my home.
It couldn't have worked out better for me. I'm actually staying and my boyfriend is moving in. So, I really made out on this deal. I do empathize with my soon to be ex-roommate. She has so much shit to move. And I know that she wasn't happy with our living situation either. The only difference is that she tried to change me instead of changing her situation for herself.
This whole experience has made me realize just how important good communication skills are. Our whole social experience can be made or unmade by our communication techniques.
I'm excited to be comfortable in my intimate arena. I'm excited to create a peaceful space with my boyfriend. I'm really happy about the days to come. I just hope I can get through the next few unscathed.
In this instance, I want the next few days to go by as quickly as possible. About 45 days ago, I made the decision to move away from my roommate...an illness that I needed to rid myself of. It's been a long time coming and now here we are, just days away from no longer having that negative energy in my home.
It couldn't have worked out better for me. I'm actually staying and my boyfriend is moving in. So, I really made out on this deal. I do empathize with my soon to be ex-roommate. She has so much shit to move. And I know that she wasn't happy with our living situation either. The only difference is that she tried to change me instead of changing her situation for herself.
This whole experience has made me realize just how important good communication skills are. Our whole social experience can be made or unmade by our communication techniques.
I'm excited to be comfortable in my intimate arena. I'm excited to create a peaceful space with my boyfriend. I'm really happy about the days to come. I just hope I can get through the next few unscathed.
18 July 2010
What a year!
What a year this has been!
What a wild ride!
I'm ready to start writing again...inspired by my good friend Chester. I've been journaling this whole time, which I'm surprised that I had the time for. But the way I see it, there is a time to live and then there is a time to reflect on the living you've done.
I subscribe to a weekly reflection. When I was younger, it was called the Sabbath. Friday sunset to Saturday sunset. Biblically speaking, that's the time that was set aside for us to rest and connect with the most important people in our lives. A time of inspiration. A time to regroup and visualize the direction that we want to proceed. Although I no longer go to church, or consider myself religious, I still hold fast to this theory. It's important to have a goal and a vision. It's important to sit with that vision and create its existence in your life. And that takes a little time. A little time to just be and really feel it.
I haven't been able to really keep up on those reflections. Not ideally. This last year, with taking my certification classes and teaching, much of me was put to the side. Funny, it was when I needed it the most!
It's been on month since school's let out. One month since I became a licensed teacher. I reflect on the work that it took. I reflect on my accomplishments and my failures. It was all so intense. And now, I sit and listen to what my body is telling me. It's taken me this whole month to feel like myself again. I often think, Holy Shit! How in the hell did I pull that off? But, I did. And so, I smile. My life is forever changed because of all that hard work. I wish I could have been that focused earlier in my life. I wish I would have believed in myself earlier. But, water under the bridge...it happened and that's all that matters.
Now my mind is focused in a new direction. Similar in the way that I need to find a teaching position, but I'm standing on different ground one year later. I've gotten even more tools to use to make the differences that I want in my arena. I understand clearer effectiveness, efficiency, and the overall rhythm that exists. I'm not pretending that I'm going to start going into classrooms and change the whole system...well, not right away. However, I'm prepared now to continue planting seeds. A heartier version of the seeds that I have been planting.
I've got hope. That's what this rest has given me.
What a wild ride!
I'm ready to start writing again...inspired by my good friend Chester. I've been journaling this whole time, which I'm surprised that I had the time for. But the way I see it, there is a time to live and then there is a time to reflect on the living you've done.
I subscribe to a weekly reflection. When I was younger, it was called the Sabbath. Friday sunset to Saturday sunset. Biblically speaking, that's the time that was set aside for us to rest and connect with the most important people in our lives. A time of inspiration. A time to regroup and visualize the direction that we want to proceed. Although I no longer go to church, or consider myself religious, I still hold fast to this theory. It's important to have a goal and a vision. It's important to sit with that vision and create its existence in your life. And that takes a little time. A little time to just be and really feel it.
I haven't been able to really keep up on those reflections. Not ideally. This last year, with taking my certification classes and teaching, much of me was put to the side. Funny, it was when I needed it the most!
It's been on month since school's let out. One month since I became a licensed teacher. I reflect on the work that it took. I reflect on my accomplishments and my failures. It was all so intense. And now, I sit and listen to what my body is telling me. It's taken me this whole month to feel like myself again. I often think, Holy Shit! How in the hell did I pull that off? But, I did. And so, I smile. My life is forever changed because of all that hard work. I wish I could have been that focused earlier in my life. I wish I would have believed in myself earlier. But, water under the bridge...it happened and that's all that matters.
Now my mind is focused in a new direction. Similar in the way that I need to find a teaching position, but I'm standing on different ground one year later. I've gotten even more tools to use to make the differences that I want in my arena. I understand clearer effectiveness, efficiency, and the overall rhythm that exists. I'm not pretending that I'm going to start going into classrooms and change the whole system...well, not right away. However, I'm prepared now to continue planting seeds. A heartier version of the seeds that I have been planting.
I've got hope. That's what this rest has given me.
25 September 2009
True Love
I have recently experienced true love. It was so very beautiful. I have never felt so able to be myself. I have never felt such patience and such ability to accept the moment for the moment. I have never felt such ability to love someone for who they were at that very moment. Not for whom I hoped they'd be, but with their faults. Never have I experienced something so gorgeous. Because, it signified that I was doing that same very thing for myself. It's been a long time coming that I've tried to love myself as much as I believe that I should.
It just happened to be the man that I messed up with last summer. Well, I've come to understand that it wasn't me who messed up. It is just a young man who in so many ways is in the beginning stages of loving himself. I've been there, I get it. But his refusal to be loved has got to be one of the most painful things I've ever felt. I almost wish I could by pass this lesson...because it is really painful. I just pray that the love we shared will be something he can reflect on at some point...that I was someone he will KNOW beyond a doubt loves him. Because I do. But I have been rejected and I know that I need to let go of this...move forward and be grateful for this realization.
I am excited for the next time I'm able to experience this depth.
It just happened to be the man that I messed up with last summer. Well, I've come to understand that it wasn't me who messed up. It is just a young man who in so many ways is in the beginning stages of loving himself. I've been there, I get it. But his refusal to be loved has got to be one of the most painful things I've ever felt. I almost wish I could by pass this lesson...because it is really painful. I just pray that the love we shared will be something he can reflect on at some point...that I was someone he will KNOW beyond a doubt loves him. Because I do. But I have been rejected and I know that I need to let go of this...move forward and be grateful for this realization.
I am excited for the next time I'm able to experience this depth.
20 March 2009
WTF?
I just recently took this blog link off of my facebook account. I had a friend who felt worried for me and thought I might be going off the deep end. Of course, there is always that option. Quite literally, I don't know what's up or down anymore. I have lost all grounding. I have attempted anything that I can try to pull together any sense of structure and it has all failed. I don't want people to worry about me. However, I feel that I need to get this shit out of my system. My parents taught me when I was a kid, that no one wants to hear your problems. They taught me that it was very unbecoming to express your needs or worries. Just put on a happy face.
I find myself fighting right now to keep on that happy face for everyone. But I'm to the point now, that I don't really care how people take what I'm going through. It just is and I don't know how to pretend that it isn't. However, the only people who are even peeking at this blog are people that I care about...so I'm going to be real.
Perhaps what I'm experiencing is just growing pains. If I knew why I was suffering, it would give meaning to it. But I am at a loss. So, I suffer blindly. Wondering, why? why this pain? Why this loneliness? Why this disconnect with the world around me?
I look around and wonder how is it possible that people choose to live the way they do and also look in the metaphorical mirror and ask myself the same. I was at a Oakland Gyros on the South side earlier today. Beautiful restaurant. But, there was this girl who sat down in a booth and her father joined her. I could see that she was talking and smiling. I envisioned she was talking about her day at school. Her father was seriously focused on his meal. Didn't look up or comment on what his daughter was saying. I felt sad. Because I just kept thinking that he was missing out on something beautiful. But, he was so wrapped up in something else. His mind was somewhere else. And it's not like I'm making him the bad guy, because as an adult I understand all the shit that has to get thought about and taken care of. It was just this overwhelming sadness that we are all missing the important shit and getting lost in the stuff that matters, but not to the degree that we make ourselves believe.
Then I looked out the window. A van with a woman...waiting for her food from the drive thru (yes Oakland Gyros has a drive thru). She was holding a box with a doll in it and talking to, I assume, her daughter in the back. She looked frustrated...shaking her head while holding this box and I have no idea what she could be saying, but again, I just felt sad. Sad that there was any type of controversy over a doll.
It makes me wonder if I am delusional about how things really work. Is this normal? I mean, I have no idea what it's like to have kids and be around them all the time. Is there a point where you need to zone out and be in "adult" mode? I guess I won't know until I have my own. But, I do feel confident that these little interactions that people have with their children, create their children. Does anyone else see the importance of these little reactions or vignettes the same way that I do? That they are indeed extremely important.
I see so many limitations of myself and the people around me. So many times I wonder...how much of this has to do with the way in which we were taught or exposed to the world initially...the manner in which we were taught to see the world.
I see my patience for these limitations dwindling. Mostly my own. I am in such a crazy place now. I know for sure that there is a new consciousness that I'm embarking on and that it's huge. It has been coming for years and I've felt it tugging at my soul and it has driven me to hours of studying and endless hours of observation and undying perserverence to understand what it is. It is a relentless nagging. I am compelled to understand this. But what is it? And if I were to subscribe to Buddhist teachings, which I do on many levels, then I should just fucking relax, because that's the only time that you get it anyway. Perhaps that's what I'm meant to learn. To let go and be fine with this craziness. It just seems so pressing.
So, now full circle. Earlier I mentioned that we get lost in the stuff that doesn't matter and not paying attention to the stuff that does. Perhaps the goal is to release that pressing feeling and just allow it to be what it is. Detachment. I'm going to try out this theory.
To end this, I would like to thank all of my friends who have been dealing with my bizarre behavior lately. I appreciate you all in my life. You help me to be a better person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I find myself fighting right now to keep on that happy face for everyone. But I'm to the point now, that I don't really care how people take what I'm going through. It just is and I don't know how to pretend that it isn't. However, the only people who are even peeking at this blog are people that I care about...so I'm going to be real.
Perhaps what I'm experiencing is just growing pains. If I knew why I was suffering, it would give meaning to it. But I am at a loss. So, I suffer blindly. Wondering, why? why this pain? Why this loneliness? Why this disconnect with the world around me?
I look around and wonder how is it possible that people choose to live the way they do and also look in the metaphorical mirror and ask myself the same. I was at a Oakland Gyros on the South side earlier today. Beautiful restaurant. But, there was this girl who sat down in a booth and her father joined her. I could see that she was talking and smiling. I envisioned she was talking about her day at school. Her father was seriously focused on his meal. Didn't look up or comment on what his daughter was saying. I felt sad. Because I just kept thinking that he was missing out on something beautiful. But, he was so wrapped up in something else. His mind was somewhere else. And it's not like I'm making him the bad guy, because as an adult I understand all the shit that has to get thought about and taken care of. It was just this overwhelming sadness that we are all missing the important shit and getting lost in the stuff that matters, but not to the degree that we make ourselves believe.
Then I looked out the window. A van with a woman...waiting for her food from the drive thru (yes Oakland Gyros has a drive thru). She was holding a box with a doll in it and talking to, I assume, her daughter in the back. She looked frustrated...shaking her head while holding this box and I have no idea what she could be saying, but again, I just felt sad. Sad that there was any type of controversy over a doll.
It makes me wonder if I am delusional about how things really work. Is this normal? I mean, I have no idea what it's like to have kids and be around them all the time. Is there a point where you need to zone out and be in "adult" mode? I guess I won't know until I have my own. But, I do feel confident that these little interactions that people have with their children, create their children. Does anyone else see the importance of these little reactions or vignettes the same way that I do? That they are indeed extremely important.
I see so many limitations of myself and the people around me. So many times I wonder...how much of this has to do with the way in which we were taught or exposed to the world initially...the manner in which we were taught to see the world.
I see my patience for these limitations dwindling. Mostly my own. I am in such a crazy place now. I know for sure that there is a new consciousness that I'm embarking on and that it's huge. It has been coming for years and I've felt it tugging at my soul and it has driven me to hours of studying and endless hours of observation and undying perserverence to understand what it is. It is a relentless nagging. I am compelled to understand this. But what is it? And if I were to subscribe to Buddhist teachings, which I do on many levels, then I should just fucking relax, because that's the only time that you get it anyway. Perhaps that's what I'm meant to learn. To let go and be fine with this craziness. It just seems so pressing.
So, now full circle. Earlier I mentioned that we get lost in the stuff that doesn't matter and not paying attention to the stuff that does. Perhaps the goal is to release that pressing feeling and just allow it to be what it is. Detachment. I'm going to try out this theory.
To end this, I would like to thank all of my friends who have been dealing with my bizarre behavior lately. I appreciate you all in my life. You help me to be a better person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
19 February 2009
misc.
I'm at a very bizarre place in my life right now. On one hand, I feel like there are so many blessings, so many understandings that I am so grateful for. And on the other hand, there are so many confusions and uncomfortable emotions surfacing. I'm trying to navigate my way through this dense forest of beauty and fear. I know that the process of letting go and just feeling my way through it will lead me to the correct destination...but, what is correct? If that's not a clear vision, how can you be guided? Is it essential to know where you want to be in order to get to that spot? Or does the Universe guide you there by default...knowing where you should be? Do I just allow that? I am truly confused. I'm confused about how much control we have on our destinies. As of the last several months, everything that I've asked the Universe for, I've indeed received. And many times I've thought I should be more careful or specific of what I want. But maybe that's the process too. So, with that, I do believe that we choose where we end up. I guess I don't know what to ask for at this point. I'm fucking up big time on the relationships....the intimate ones. I just want to give up on all that noise. Why do I suck so bad at that? Why am I constantly choosing to give my love to people who cannot reciprocate? Every time! I'm continually choosing people who are insecure, don't know their own worth, don't believe in themselves. But I see it. I see their beauty and I want them to see it too. And I want to encourage it. I want to inspire that beauty to be set free. But, why do I feel that it's my responsibility? I don't know why, but I just do. And the only person who gets burned is me. Because, like them, I also need inspiration. But I'm not going to get it. And who in the hell do I think I am? It does seem pretty egotistical to think that I can inspire people to believe in themselves, right? But that's exactly what I do when I teach. My goal is to show my students their worth. So, is it okay to do with children and not adults? There have been people who have shown me love when I didn't feel like I deserved it and I didn't believe in myself and I am eternally grateful to them...for believing that I could be more, for perservering even though I pushed them away, to keep coming back. They could see something that I couldn't. I would never be where I'm at without that kind of love. In many ways, I want to pay it forward. Because I'm in the position in my life to do it. Maybe I just am not good at telling when someone just is not going to allow that type of love. Maybe I need to know when to give up. That's my problem. I never give up.
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