The Day are indeed packed.

I woke up with a fun sense of humor. Just giggling all day. That's special because that hasn't been the usual mood. After about a year and a half of a bullshit pandemic...full of control, lies, illusions....I thanked the Lord above when I found myself giggling with my daughters first thing in the morning. Oh yes!! This is what I need. I need it like I need water, air, sustenance of all kinds. And it lasted all day. This bouyancy. This grace. Thank you dear Lord for this. I'm homeschooling for the second year in a row now. It's been such a blessing. I love how we're free to learn as we wish. We worked with multiplication today..specifically the 8s! We laughed so hard when using flash cards. Just silliness and fun and I believe we learn more when we are relaxed and enjoying ourselves. We worked on Writing. At this point, the girls are learning about extending sentences and adding flavor (descriptive words). It's the best. I love this shit. And they both get excited about it too. How cool. We went to Lake Park today. We had a picnic there a few days ago and the girls had the best time. Honestly, that was the highlight of our time the whole day...they had ALL day to just PLAY!! So, we returned with the intent to play and also get ourselves on the tennis courts. I've been teaching them how to play...invested in rackets, balls, gear. They've really latched onto it. As they were playing on the playground, I started hitting a ball against the board. I'm trying to get back into it...but I'm really out of shape at this point and need some help. I'm self-taught, so I just play for fun and to get some activity. I've always loved tennis. As I was hitting, an older gentlemen comes and sits down on the bench in the court area. Soon the girls come and they want to hit against the board. It wasn't long before I struck up a conversation with this man...who I came to learn is Grover. He just happens to be a tennis teacher and we were playing in his "office" lol. He definitely had some pointers for me and convinced me that to know how to play correctly is worth it. I've always played for just fun...but I was listening. As a teacher, I have respect and am also able to play the role of student. We quickly befriended and now...he's going to be our coach. I couldn't be more excited. Learning a skill is one of my favorite things in life. I feel like this was a serendipitous moment. So grateful. So, this will be added to our homeschool time. I adore having control over my children's education. I continue to love life...because it proves to be abundant with blessings.

Feeling the love.

I must say that I am blown away! Just BLOWN! And in the best way possible. Here I am, at the most vulnerable point of my life...I'm certain that I haven't been more vulnerable than this. And beyond a doubt, I have been blessed more than ever. How is that even possible? I think I may have an inkling. Here's what's happening. I am allowing. I am allowing the people who love me, help me. And the help is coming in so abundantly. Just beyond what I could've ever imagined. I am asking for help. And most importantly, I'm not pretending that I'm fine. I'm being honest. I'm not pretending that I'm the strongest person and that I got all this covered. Because, I don't! Lord, I don't. I've told my friends, I'm having a hard time. I'm falling apart. And the help has come rushing in. Even if it's meant that there is a listening ear. But even more than that...people have offered all sorts of resources to help myself and my sweet ladies. As I relax into the abundance that the Universe has offered me...the more beautiful it becomes. Out of nowhere, comes opportunities. Wow, I am so grateful for these moments. It's a little different for me to move past this idea that because my life is falling apart in some areas, that it should be hard, and I should be struggling. But for the most part, I'm not struggling. Any area of my life that I'm struggling, it's my beliefs that are holding me back. The more that I accept where I am, the emotions that come with a broken family, the more that I move through it. The easier my days become. Of course, there's still the ebb and flow and some days are more difficult than I can even communicate...but you all know. You all know that pain. We all know it. We've all felt loss. We've all felt rejected. We've all seen our lives fall apart in front of us. And what if, it's falling apart to our benefit? What if it's what needs to happen in order for us to be a better version of ourselves? I am sending thanks and gratitude for every being that has assisted me in moving through this pain. I'm so grateful that I'm able to see the gifts that are in front of me. I'm so grateful for the community that has come to my aid. Bless you all. With all of my heart!!!

The story

Hahaha! So, just coming across this blog after not seeing it for quite awhile. It seems fitting. Everything always has a reason. I really enjoyed reading my writings and realized that I don't write like this anymore. My past several journals are all notes from classes...conciousness classes. Previous to that was kind of documentation of pregnancy and having new babies...making note of the incredibleness of it and the various things that my sweet girls were up to and at what ages. I love that I'll have that to look back at, but often lately, I've been thinking of ridding myself of all journals. The past is the past. It doesn't exist anymore. Do I really need to know about the first haircut or tooth that came through? WEll, I guess, yes. I do. Today has been interesting...I've also been looking through pictures...in order to find a specific picture and it was glorious and haunting all at the same time. The last several years of my life went by like a big lightning bolt. Just, SHABANG! Since I've last written, DONE many, many things. All of these things are labels. It's what I'm BEING that is of most interest to me at this point. I have no doubts that everything that has unfolded has been part of the plan I created to be more myself than ever before. So, when looking through the pictures of a very happy family, my girls...much younger...me, much younger...It almost seems like another lifetime. I was basically surviving through a great deal of it. Just going through the motions. If you have children, you know that those first few years are BRUTAL. I was pregnant two years in a row! B R U T A L ! I taught, working at least 50 hours a week. Trying to be everything for everybody. Until I stopped and started to look at myself, again. I started waking up at 4 to meditate and study my innate abilities and then study business. I put the girls to bed every night and mostly fell asleep with them. I did this for at least a year...I think over a year. I completely neglected my relationship with my partner. So focused on healing my demons so that I could be a good mom and not repeat the shit that happened to me. Staring down my shadows. Finding them, loving them and letting them go. One after another. So many demons. So many limiting beliefs. It was like...where do I start and does this shit ever end? It's challenging being with someone who isn't on the same journey. Someone is who completely fine numbing the pain away. We all numb in various ways. However, I'm more awake than ever and need to be with someone who is at least interested in it. I shouldn't sell myself short here. I've been on this journey too long to settle for that. I need to find someone who is AS DEEP into it as me. So, selling myself short should be the title of this chapter! "Selling Yourself Short" a story of not asking for enough. or perhaps "Afraid of Your Shadow?" a story of the endless cycle of running away and stuffing your emotions...deep, so deep. Ah, another topic that has been highlighted over the past few years, "Trauma: How to release the demons that find their way into your soul" There have been many traumas in my life and the last few years have been no exception. I'd like to think that I've been working through them. Yet, the shadow is sneaky. It hides so well. It's when you least expect it that you realize that it's been running you. Dave has been inpatient at the VA for depression and PTSD for the last 2 months. He's dealing with his demons and I pray that he's made friends with them. Our relationship is almost non-existent, short of communications of the girls. We will make a heart connection periodically, and then it will return to business only. I'm accepting that he is not able to be part of our family the way that I envisioned. I'm so grateful that things came to a head for him. Because he's been a MASTER at stuffing down emotions and pretending he's "just fine." One would think that with all of this chaos, I would be a hot mess. Some days, yes. Mostly, I am feeling more gratitude and love than ever before. I am so excited to get writing again on the magic that's come of all of the traumas of the last several years. It is abundant. At this point, the Days are packed with Abundance and Joy and POSSIBILITY! Blessings to you!

My trip to Lion's Den Gorge, aka, heaven.

Another wonderful adventure on my bike. I'm loving that my boyfriend is the one who suggested it! We were a little flipped out about that last trail ride, but the weather has been so gorgeous and our schedules were free...so we headed north to the bluffs.
When we hiked through the gorge earlier in the summer, we noticed all the signs for the trails. We didn't walk them because there were so many mosquitoes. It was our thought to return.
The trails are layered with wood chips that have been pushed down from use. There were about 4 different paths. Some of them had wood chips freshly laid down, which made it more challenging to bike over, but still so very beautiful. The cool part about these trails is they were free of obstacles, so you could truly observe the nature around you. At times you'd be right along the bluffs and had an spectacular view of the lake. Other parts were deeper in the greenery. I really felt like I had reached my personal heaven. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling to myself. It was so peacful...with the crunching under the bike tires and the evening sun shining through the trees, creating all sorts of patterns throughout the wooded area.
It really raised my spirits and I slept like a baby. Next trip, we're going to head out early in the morning...I can't wait!

Parnell Observatory Tower Revisited.

A few years ago, I posted about my visit to Parnell Observatory Tower. Since then, I've taken my sweet along with me. Last summer, we took the road trip after his shift, which around 3 or 4 in the morning. It was a dark drive in. The park wasn't even open when we arrived, but that didn't stop us. By the time we reached the top of the tower, the sun was just peeking at us and the ground fog was slowly lifting. Dave said, "I'm hanging out in the clouds with Michelle!" Sweetness. It was a short, yet brilliant experience.
Just this last Saturday, Dave suggested that we bring our bikes out and ride the hiking trail that I told him about. So, we put our bikes in the bed of the truck and headed toward the Kettle Moraine. It had just stormed the night before. To Dave, that would be part of the fun. I also have just bought a new mountain bike. I haven't been that impressed riding it around town and on the bike path...mostly because it's a monster and also, I really miss the feel of my Giant Iguana. I'm forging a new relationship, but it's still in the awkward stages. What I found out about my bike on Saturday was this: It was MEANT for the trails!
For those of you who have been out that way, you know that to get to the tower itself is quite a steep incline. I can't give you length, but it's considerable. So first we carried our bikes up those stairs before we even reached the trail. All the moisture made the mosquito activity INTENSE! We got on our bikes straight away to get moving! I had no idea what I was in for. Truly, if I would have, I never would have done it. Shit, I'm itching right now! The terrain was treacherous! Clusters of stones, tree roots, fallen trees were all hurdles. If I didn't know how to handle my bike before, well, this was a situation where there was no other choice but to figure it out! I was jealous of Dave's bike tires, they are thinner and able to get through some of the clusters of rocks, whereas mine are so big, they'd just ricochet back and forth or slide on the wetness. I thought for sure I wasn't making it off that trail without some broken appendages. Eventually, I just sucked it up and stopped fearing the worst case scenario. We thought eventually, the rough terrain would change, but, it did not! We needed to get off of our bikes for steep in/declines. That's when the mosquitoes ate us alive. It was best to be moving while on my bike, so I tried to stay there as much as possible. I cursed the trail the whole way. I was so focused on what was right in front of me, I didn't even get the chance to take notice to the beauty around me. It was a bit sad. I was so determined to get out of the wooded area that I just started attacking all the obstacles. It was as if I was telling those stones to "Fuck off! You will not bring me down! I will survive!" Pretty dramatic, but it was a dramatic situation.
When we finally got out of the treacherous trail, we noticed a family who had bikes atop their mini-van and about to embark on their adventure through the woods. Dave was given them a snapshot of the situation and I biked through saying, "I don't recommend it. Really...don't do it!"
I am thankful for the challenge. But Jesus H! That was unbelievable. I think I should have started with something a little less intense. I'm now intrigued to try the bike path along the river...I'm guessing it may be a little more user friendly.
And next time...I'm wearing more clothing. I must have 50 huge mosquito bites all over me!

Days of our Lives.

I am amazed at how quickly the days go by.
In this instance, I want the next few days to go by as quickly as possible. About 45 days ago, I made the decision to move away from my roommate...an illness that I needed to rid myself of. It's been a long time coming and now here we are, just days away from no longer having that negative energy in my home.
It couldn't have worked out better for me. I'm actually staying and my boyfriend is moving in. So, I really made out on this deal. I do empathize with my soon to be ex-roommate. She has so much shit to move. And I know that she wasn't happy with our living situation either. The only difference is that she tried to change me instead of changing her situation for herself.
This whole experience has made me realize just how important good communication skills are. Our whole social experience can be made or unmade by our communication techniques.
I'm excited to be comfortable in my intimate arena. I'm excited to create a peaceful space with my boyfriend. I'm really happy about the days to come. I just hope I can get through the next few unscathed.

What a year!

What a year this has been!
What a wild ride!
I'm ready to start writing again...inspired by my good friend Chester. I've been journaling this whole time, which I'm surprised that I had the time for. But the way I see it, there is a time to live and then there is a time to reflect on the living you've done.
I subscribe to a weekly reflection. When I was younger, it was called the Sabbath. Friday sunset to Saturday sunset. Biblically speaking, that's the time that was set aside for us to rest and connect with the most important people in our lives. A time of inspiration. A time to regroup and visualize the direction that we want to proceed. Although I no longer go to church, or consider myself religious, I still hold fast to this theory. It's important to have a goal and a vision. It's important to sit with that vision and create its existence in your life. And that takes a little time. A little time to just be and really feel it.
I haven't been able to really keep up on those reflections. Not ideally. This last year, with taking my certification classes and teaching, much of me was put to the side. Funny, it was when I needed it the most!
It's been on month since school's let out. One month since I became a licensed teacher. I reflect on the work that it took. I reflect on my accomplishments and my failures. It was all so intense. And now, I sit and listen to what my body is telling me. It's taken me this whole month to feel like myself again. I often think, Holy Shit! How in the hell did I pull that off? But, I did. And so, I smile. My life is forever changed because of all that hard work. I wish I could have been that focused earlier in my life. I wish I would have believed in myself earlier. But, water under the bridge...it happened and that's all that matters.
Now my mind is focused in a new direction. Similar in the way that I need to find a teaching position, but I'm standing on different ground one year later. I've gotten even more tools to use to make the differences that I want in my arena. I understand clearer effectiveness, efficiency, and the overall rhythm that exists. I'm not pretending that I'm going to start going into classrooms and change the whole system...well, not right away. However, I'm prepared now to continue planting seeds. A heartier version of the seeds that I have been planting.
I've got hope. That's what this rest has given me.